“I’ve never blamed you,” Isaac whispers, meeting my gaze.“I feel guilty.”
“Guilty?”I repeat doubtfully.“Why would you feel guilty?”
He glances at our mum, at our siblings, before lowering his gaze.“Because...”he groans, dropping his head back.“There was a moment right after I fell where I had a dark, fucked-up thought.I...I wished it was you and not me.”
My pulse slows as I stare at my twin dumbfounded.Everyone else is just as quiet.“Are you fucking serious?”
He glances away, shame written all over him.“I’m sorry.I don’t wish it or think it now.But in that moment, I did.And I’m sorry.I’m really fucking sorry.I’m so ashamed of myself.Each time you look at me like I’m going to break or you ask if I’m okay, I can’t fucking take it.I feel violently sick.I’m so disgusted with myself.”
I burst out laughing, confusing him and everyone else in the room.“You are such a prick.”
“I know,” he replies miserably.
“Bro, I’ve had thoughts just like that.In fact, I have them every time I get hurt.When I got stabbed and Luke was bragging about fucking that chick, I wished it was him who got stabbed and not me.Actually, I even wished it was Wyatt for a bit because the fucker made fun of me for wanting to find the secret passageway.The same passageway that saved our lives.You aren’t the only one to think like that.If it truly came down to it being a possibility, it wouldn’t have entered your mind.Trust me.If someone said to me, I can make this happen for real, I would say no.I wasn’t lying about wishing I could trade places with you though.I would take your pain, and deep down, you’d do the same for me if the roles were reversed.”I glance at Jaxon.“You’ve had those thoughts too, right?”
He slowly nods, glancing at Wyatt, not even ashamed.“That time you broke the fucking ramp and were trying to fix it but couldn’t?My hand got trapped in the mechanism, and it hurt like a fucking bitch.I hated that you were messing with that thing for an hour and nothing happened.Before I knew my hand wasn’t broken, I planned to purposely put your hand in there to get revenge because it fucking hurt like a bitch.”
Wyatt shrugs.“I get it.That time we all went sledging and Eli demanded to go first on the sledge we were sharing?I wished it had been me who went first.By the time it got to my turn, the snow had melted a little more and I hit a dry patch and knocked myself out.I wished it had been Eli.”
Eli glares at Wyatt.“I fucking knew it.That’s why you pushed me off the bar stool the same night.You said it was an accident but I knew it was because I went first down the slope.”
Paisley snorts.“You guys are such boys.”
Wyatt grins at our sister.“Are you telling me, little miss sunshine, that you’ve never wished it was us something had happened to instead of it being you?Not even the diabetes?”
Her nose scrunches up.“No.That is so absurd.You’ve not thought like that either, have you, Mum?”
“Well...”
Paisley’s eyes widen.“Mum,” she breathes.
Mum holds her hands up.“Each time I gave birth, I wished it was your dad who had to do it.Sorry, sweetheart.”
“I’m sorry,” Isaac mumbles, drawing their attention.“Now I feel stupid.”
I walk over to him and gently place my hand on his shoulder.“You should,” I tease.“Are we good?”
“Only if you stop blaming yourself.I didn’t know that was what you were thinking.I know you tried to help me.It’s why I felt so fucking guilty.Our hands were gripping each other tightly, but the blood and sweat made it impossible to keep hold.If you had let me go, this conversation might be going differently, but my hand slipped out of yours, Reid.”He rubs the bridge of his nose.“I guess you moaning about always being hurt right before we went into the room had been on my mind just before I had the thought.I didn’t remember I thought it until a few days later.I felt sick to my stomach and hated myself for wishing it was you.Instead of saying sorry, I guess I turned into a bigger prick and avoided you.”
“It’s all good, Isaac.Just stop avoiding me.”He pulls me in for a hug and I force a groan.“Why is everyone hugging me today?It’s annoying.”
“You do know a lot of these moments could be avoided if you all just spoke to each other.It doesn’t make you weak.It takes a lot for someone to admit what they’re feeling,” Paisley states.
The night a few weeks ago, when I asked Summer to be my girlfriend, enters my mind.Aside from genuinely not knowing how to ask her, I had been scared to voice what I wanted.I worried she’d reject me, or worse, laugh in my face and kick me out of her bed.I wouldn’t blame her for wanting payback.“She isn’t wrong about that.”
“I’m going to work.Love you all,” Paisley calls out as she leaves.
“You need to get back into bed,” Mum warns Isaac.
I let out a put-out sigh.“I really do wish we could trade places.What it must feel like to be waited on.”
He snorts.“If you want to jolt in pain every time you move, or deal with your flesh fucking itching constantly in places you can’t scratch, or have your skin feel tight, make it happen.I’ll grant permission.”
My nose scrunches up because I remember my wound after being stabbed.I hated it, and there were times I wanted to claw at my skin.“Yeah.I’ll pass.”
“Come on,” Mum orders before looking at me.“I’ll bring you an early lunch over.”
“I’m meeting Summer for lunch.”
