“Never,” I growl through gritted teeth, swearing, “I’llneverrun again.”
“But they’ll kill you for this,” Mom argues. “I won’t lose you.”
“Funny time for your motherly instincts to kick in,” I say around a snort. I glance out of my peripheral vision, wanting to see her reaction. Her shoulders slump and her face droops into a crestfallen look. I wait for the guilt to kick in for the way I just spoke to her, but it never comes. Which is liberating.
My silence is followed by the front door being violently pushed open as my papa and Paps come strolling in with Rafe, Rush, and Gage hot on their heels. My chin lowers as my eyes raise, looking at them through my lashes as I wait to see the condemnation on their faces, but that isn’t what I see. Did they know? This whole time, did they know what he was doing to us as they sat back on their high horses not doing jackshit about it?
“You knew?” I ask, my voice full of thunder.
Paps lifts his hands in a placating manner, his demeanor one of a man who’s full of shame. “We didn’t, son, not until a few minutes ago. I promise.”
“I couldn’t keep silent any longer, Leif,” Rafe tells me. “I told them everything I knew this morning.”
“We were coming to check on you last night after you missed our race,” Rush adds. “You haven’t participated, but that hasn’t stopped you from coming around and watching. When you didn’t show up, we freaked. You’re our brother. Leif, we needed to know you were okay. As we were walking up the path, we heard what he said to you.”
“I think the whole town heard him,” Gage admits. “We knew it was time for somebody to step in and do something, Leif. We were afraid something like this was going to happen if we didn’t. We were just too damn late.”
“Boy,” Papa says, slowly edging his way around Paps to get to me. “Look at me, kiddo.” Out of everyone, he’s the one I can’t afford to see pity from because I’ll break, so I refuse to lift my head and give him what he’s asked for.
As Papa’s hand lands on my shoulder, I hear one of the members say, “He’s stone cold, like a slab of ice.”
“Enough!” Paps orders. “We don’t need your commentary right now, that’s not going to help anything. All of you, keep your traps shut. You hear me?” I’m assuming they answer him with head nods because I don’t hear another peep out of the peanut gallery.
“Leif,” Papa calls my name, giving me a little shake. “I’m sorry.”
My head snaps up, and for the first time, I see sorrow in his eyes. “What for?” I croak out the question, my throat feeling swollen and achy from forcing myself to keep quiet.
“For not seeing what was right in front of my eyes. I didn’t want to see it, I suppose. I couldn’t let myself go there even if I did suspect something was going on, it hurt too much to admit I raised an abusive asshole,” Papa explains. “Why didn’t you say anything to me? I would’ve stopped it.”
“You would’ve chosen him over us,” I accuse. “He was your kid.”
“So are you,” he avows. “I can’t believe I bought into his lies. I feel foolish and hope that someday, you can forgive an old man for being blind to who his boy really was.”
“Why were you?” I ask, wanting answers to questions I’ve had for a long time. “Blind, I mean. Why were any of you? I’m not stupid, I know y’all saw the welts from his belt and all of the split lips, black eyes, and the times I had to limp because I couldn’t put pressure on my legs. Tell me, Papa. Make me understand why he was more important than me!”
Papa puts pressure on my wrist until I drop the knife before drawing me into his arms, bear hugging me. “Because I couldn’t let myself see the obvious signs. It was easier to deal with you being a boy and getting into brawls than to put two and two together to get him putting those marks on you as the answer to that problem. A father’s job is to keep his kids safe, Leif. It’s the only job we’ll ever have that has true meaning. It meant looking into the mirror and seeing my downfall as a father and grandfather. You not coming to me meant that I wasn’t the man I thought I was and my imagination was playing tricks on me.”
“It wasn’t against you. You weren’t him,” I hiss. Stepping back, forcing him to release his grip on me, I point my finger at his chest and accuse, “Your job was toalsoprotect me! You say I should’ve come to you, but what I want to know is why you didn’tcome to me! You were the adult, you saw me, you watched and sat back and did nothing. Why?”
“I don’t have a good answer for that,” he says, sighing and stepping back. “In my head, I thought if it was bad you’d come to me so I let it go, telling myself it wasn’t my place to ask any questions about what’s happening under another man’s roof. Something I’ll regret until my dying day because believe it or not, Leif, I love you more than any other person in this universe. And you’re right, you’re my blood, I should’ve protectedyou. At all costs. You were the kid in this scenario, still are, and I should’ve asked more questions when I had those suspicions instead of living in a make-believe world where everything was as it should be. I dismissed those concerns because I was an idiot who didn’t allow himself to think for a single second his kid was a monster.”
“I used to hide under my bed and pray for you to come and save me,” I admit, my voice coming out low, no stronger than a whisper. “I wanted to tell you, but he had us both convinced that we’d be put out on the streets and the club would turn us out if we ever came to any of you asking for help.”
“And you believed him because we didn’t show you otherwise,” Paps interjects, stepping closer to Papa’s side, placing his hand on his enforcer’s shoulder in a show of support. “We all asked questions, Leif, we just didn’t ask the right ones or the right people.” As he says the last part, he glances up at my brothers with an apologetic look. “I’m sorry I let you all down. As a father, it’s hard to digest that our children could damage their own. We made things easy on him by simply opening our wallets so we didn’t have to look under the microscope and investigate further to dissect who he really was under the lens.”
My friends shuffle their feet, staring down at the ground. “We kept his secrets because he asked us to,” Rafe explains.
“That’s what brothers do,” Rush defends, lifting his eyes and staring into mine. “It was a mistake, one I won’t make again, Leif. From now on, if one of us is in danger, we’re asking for help.”
“That’s also what brothers do,” Paps educates the four of us. “This is a lesson we’ve all learned together, and now, you’ll know when it’s the right time to seek help and when it’s not.”
What’s said about excuses and assholes roams through my head, but I keep it to myself. No need to stir any pots more than they already are. I’m in a mood and I can’t help it, the detached place I go inside of me when I’m angry is ever-present and I’m finding the only solace and comfort I ever get there—so that’s where I’ll be while they all moan, groan, and make up. To me, their words sound like a bunch of yada, yada, yada’s and blah, blah, blah’s. Charlie Brown’s teacher makes more sense to me than their justifications do.
As I stand back and observe, I decide that if nobody else will put the kids first, I will. Any future children born into the Kings of Anarchy will always have an advocate and protector in me. Fuck what anyone else thinks. They’ll be our future, and if I can break the cycle of abuse before it even gets a chance to form, I will.
Age Twenty-One
“Paps offered me the opportunity to start my own chapter of the Kings. He wants to expand and make sure we’re spread out. It’s better if it’s me and Rio taking the reins so we know we always have an ally in each other. I want you to come with me, Icer,”Rush, now dubbed Riptide, declares. “It’ll give you some space from your mom.”
