He nodded slowly. Calmly. “Why, because he’s safe?”
“Yes, exactly because he’s safe.”
He came around the island and stood before me then. “What’s not safe about me?” There it was. The heartbreak. The gut-wrenching twist I couldn’t bear to endure.
I stared into his warm, beautiful eyes and spoke nothing but the truth. “That I need you. That I wouldn’t survive losing you.”
“You won’t lose me.” His forehead came to mine, and his thumb caressed my cheek. My throat clenched at his touch.
“I love you, Sydney,” he breathed. “Be with me.”
My throat constricted. My head sank to his chest, and my eyes shut hard in agony. I didn’t even try to stop the tears that fell. He loved me. I knew he did. And I would always love him. But I couldn’t say it back. As much as I felt it, I couldn’t say it back to him.
He took me by the chin and forced my eyes up to his. “Do you love me?” he asked. His voice was strong, but his eyes were sorrowful.
I choked on my sob. “I’m in love with two different people.”
Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true. I wasn’t in love with two different people. I was in love with him. I just didn’t dare to say it, nor did I have the energy to face the gnawing guilt in my gut for the betrayal I was undoubtedly committing against the one I was supposed to love. The one I was supposed to be with if I wanted to keep my heart safe.
So, I lied. I hid behind the safer version of the truth, pretending my heart was split, when in reality it had always, stubbornly, hopelessly belonged to him.
His tormented eyes bounced between mine, searching for a hint of falsehood, anything to keep him hopeful. But I forced my eyes away. I shook out of his gentle grip, got up from the island, and made my way to the door. His words stopped me when I reached it.
“What’s going to happen, Syd? We’re gonna grow up, get married? Have a bunch of kids and live out the rest of our lives happy and in love? Is that so bad?”
Tears caught in my throat, and I pulled my lips in to muffle my sobs.
“Why are you afraid?” His voice was soft, and his steps were slow toward me. “Because you watched your Mom chase love, and it ruined her? Because you don’t want to end up bitter and resentful like she did if it doesn’t work? That’s not going to happen.” He was there at the door with me. He brought my eyes to his, and there was nothing but certainty in them. It’s a look I’ll never forget.
“That’s not us, Syd,” he promised. “That’s not our road.”
Tears fell from my eyes like a faucet. I didn’t dare wipe them or move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. All I could do was feel.
Horrible. Ashamed. Broken. And so far from control.
He was right about everything, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. I couldn’t. I was still trying to protect myself from the world of heartbreak I was already in. A world I still chose to deny. I couldn’t see the depth of my love for E or understand why it always pulled me in. I couldn’t see how I was forcing a love to fit into my life that didn’t belong. All I knew was though I loved E, I loved Jake, and I was supposed to love Jake.
So, I left. Even though he asked me not to. Even though he told me to stay, I left.
In that moment, I was more lost than I’d ever been. All I could see was what I’d done to Jake, and what I was doing to E, and how all of it was evil. I felt selfish and stupid, and completely unworthy. Like I didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone after what I’d become: I was a liar. I was a cheater. But most of all, I was a spineless coward. Because I couldn’t be true to anyone. Not even myself.
It’s not what I meant to do. It’s not who I was. But that’s where I was in life—lost in the twisted darkness of my own disoriented heart. Forcing myself to lie out of fear of losing those I loved most. Beguiled by my stupid, broken heart that was raised on trauma and would ruin everything—ruin me. Because it could never say no…
I saw my future flash before me as if it had already been written—my sullen life, broken and alone. Drunk on loss and grief and the inability to love. This was my future if I gave my heart away to E, and ruined it like I did everything else.
I had to stop it. I had to regain control of my heart and my head, and align my focus on what was best for my life.On what wouldn’t hurt me and leave me destroyed, the way my vicious cycle always did. I had to stop.
I had to end the addiction. I had to let go of E, for good this time.
Track 18
“I’ve Had Enough”
-Earth, Wind & Fire, 1981
BY THE TIME I got back to Newark Airport, I was an absolute mess. On top of the nauseating guilt rolling in my belly, I was overcome with a gut-wrenching dread I wasn’t sure I could bear much longer. I didn’t know how I’d face Jake when the time came, but I knew I had to tell him. I had to tell him everything that had happened, from the very beginning. And I’d have to tell him in person. He deserved the truth to be given to him with dignity.
I found a bar near my gate and ordered a glass of cabernet. My leg bounced anxiously as the minutes pressed on into hours. I chewed on my nail as I searched my mind relentlessly, struggling to find the words that would explain myself, explain what horrible things I had done. The words that would tear my whole life to the ground, and break the loving man I was going home to.
