My legs became weak, buckling beneath me. My breaths were panting as my lungs begged for the air his steady strokes refused to give them. He slowed his movement, caressing me as I rode the wave of pleasure he had brought me to. He turned me onto my back again, my body shaking, trembling beneath him as he slowly reentered. He lay with his chest against mine and wrapped his arm around my upper back until he was cradling my head. His lips met mine, and he kissed me slowly, gently, lovingly, and he moved in the same rhythm. We didn’t break away, like the lock of our lips held the keys to heaven. Like a million lifetimes had passed before this moment had come, and we couldn’t let it go. It was deep and passionate, and overwhelmingly intense. I could feel the tightness in my core building once more, and then it exploded like a firework. My heart swelled in my chest as he let go with me, holding me close as we both trembled in our euphoric surrender.
We fell asleep minutes afterward, our limbs tangled around each other, lost in our sea of undiluted bliss. My spirit was calm, and my heart was at peace, and I think for the first time, so was his.
I woke up in that same peace—a love-drunk haze with my body snuggled up against his. He held me in a tight embrace as he trailed kisses down my arm. He held my handup to the morning light and traced each finger with his own before fitting his hand into mine.
“Perfect,” he whispered, and I smiled warmly. Wholly.
He sprang from the bed shortly after as I drifted back to sleep. My body was spent, sore, and satisfied from its fill after years of crushing deprivation. Even when I woke again, I laid there in complete tranquility. I thought of nothing but the more I wanted to do there, in his space.
And then, in a single moment, it all came crashing down.
My phone rang to life somewhere on the floor. I jumped out of E’s bed to find it.
Naturally, because timing loved to screw with me so cruelly, Jake was texting me:
Good morning, beautiful. Call me when you wake up. Can’t wait to see you tonight. Love you.
My heart sank through my body, down through the floor, and deep into the hell where its evil doings had been born.
Jake. How could I have forgotten Jake? How could I have lost sight of the straight path I was trying to create? How could I have been so weak?
My once-joyous heart shattered within me. I was disgusted. Beyond disgusted, I was ashamed. Ashamed of how easily I’d let my moral compass crack under pressure. Ashamed of how good it felt to be touched by someone else. Ashamed of the way my heart beat faster—not with guilt, but with desire.
Sick that not only had I strayed, but I didn’t even feel lost when I did… I felt at home.
I threw my clothes on in haste and made my way to the front door. I didn’t have a plan or an exit strategy; I just knew I had to get out of there. Had to run from the shambles of my own making.
Just as I went to reach for the door, E was walking in.
If he was startled to find me there, he didn’t show it. And maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he knew I’d run.
“Hey,” he said with a warm smile as he held up a brown paper bag. “I got you a pork roll, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel.” He closed the door behind him and moved to the kitchen.
I smiled, but my anxious heart robbed the warmth from it. “Thank you.”
I followed distantly behind him, taking a seat opposite him at the island. He opened the bag and pulled out two breakfast sandwiches, and I immediately felt guilty for being too sick to eat.
“Nothing better for a hangover than greasy sandwiches. Especially for breakfast.”
I laughed low and light. It was true—they were the hangover cure. As were greasy burgers from our midnight burger spot, and the thick-cut bacon we’d always get from the diner whenever we’d drunk too much the night before. They were fun memories. Heartwarming ones that are engraved in my heart. But I was too messed up to enjoy the nostalgic moment with him.
“E—”
“Don’t.” My eyes snapped to his. They were pleading, begging me not to say the words. Begging me not to let this go, but I didn’t have a choice.
“I have to.”
“Why?” His voice was flat. There was no hint of emotion behind it.
I hesitated, not wanting to hurt him. “Because I’m with Jake.”
“You’re not with Jake right now.”
I looked at him apologetically. “I’m supposed to be.”
“Says who?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, exhausted. Defeated. “The universe, I guess.”
