But I was the one who was sorry. Because I did this. I messed everything up. I let myself cave to a want I never should have had, and it made something beautiful turn ugly. It made me a bigger liar than I already was.
And I would punish myself for the rest of my days with that knowledge.
Track 14
“Back on the Road”
-Earth, Wind & Fire, 1980
E DIDN’T CALL me later that night. Or the next day. Or the day after. And I never called him.
Four days after we had set our hearts free, I caged mine back up and moved to Texas with Jake.
You might be really frustrated with me right now. You might be thinking,why on earth is she making this harder than it needs to be?But I truly didn’t know I was. I thought I was making the best decision for everyone. I didn’t think I deserved happiness because I didn’t grow up around it. I didn’t think I’d find true joy because I never knew it existed in the first place. And even though I believed in God, I hadn’t learned to trust Him yet. I hadn’t learned the meaning of faith. So, in my eyes, it was all on me. And I was bound to mess it up.
When your baggage is heavy and broken like that, you tend to veer toward the same hollowness you knew all your life. I wanted something different from what I was raised in, so I clung to what would guarantee success, holding on to what I thought I could control, and with Jake, that was everything. With Jake, I was in the driver’s seat. Because heloved me more. And that was safer than risking my own heart and losing it forever.
I didn’t tell Jake about E. I didn’t tell him I was having second thoughts. I didn’t tell him anything. I just packed my bags, pasted on a weak smile, got in the car with him, and headed to Austin.
I stayed at his apartment for the first two weeks since my dorm wasn’t ready. The first three days were torturous. Jake was surprised I was homesick already, but I told him I just missed Ren more than I expected. Perfect man that he was, he gracefully understood.
Ease settled in with each new day, and by the second week, I started to feel the relief that being in a new place brings. Jake took me around to all the new spots he had found in Austin. He introduced me to Tex-Mex, which became my favorite food group. He brought me to The Rabbit Hole, which had the dive bar feel without the sticky floor. They had live music every night except on Two-Dollar Tuesday, when they had two-dollar margaritas and tacos for karaoke night. We happily participated.
Everyone was so lively in Austin. It had an energy of its own, and it made you want to soak it up. We made friends quickly, and by the time the second week was over, I was surprisingly sad to be leaving Jake’s apartment, if only for the amazing distraction it’d been.
“I have a surprise for you,” he said, the night before I was moving into my dorm. “Are you ready?” We were just arriving at his apartment after a night out with a random couple we had made friends with the week before.
I nodded with a smile that was starting to feel more genuine. He opened the door and said, “Wait here,” as heran to his room to grab something. When he reentered with a small wrapped box, my stomach dropped.
“It’s not what you think,” he chuckled, and I immediately felt terrible for how clearly my face had given me away.
I opened the gift slowly, nervous about the contents of such a small box. When I unwrapped the ribbon and got through the tape, the box popped open. Inside was a key that saidHomeacross the top.
“I know it’s not ‘home,’” he started. “And I’m not asking you to move in. I just wanted to make sure you knew that this space is yours anyway. And if you ever need a break from dorm life, it’s here. I’m here.”
My eyes snapped to his, nestled with endearment. Tears welled in my eyes, and I smiled them away. “Thank you,” I tried to say, and he laughed.
“Are those happy tears?”
I nodded. “Yes,” I laughed. “Very happy tears. Thank you, Jake. This is so thoughtful and…”
“Loving?” he smiled and took me into his arms. I hugged him back, truly touched by his gesture.
“I love you, Sydney,” he said into my ear.
“I love you, too,” I said back, and as much as my heart could, I meant it.
Eight months later, Austin really was becoming home. The pleasant fall air led to a mild winter, landing us in a warm spring that felt more like an early summer in Jersey. The weather alone made me think I could never go back. It felt like I was finally where I belonged, like I had finally figured life out. I had even declared a major and had fallen in love with all things writing.
Just before spring break, my creative writing professor assigned an extra-credit assignment to attend a writers’ workshop in Houston. It was a two day event that only required a single night hotel stay, but I decided to book two so I could see the town. I had never been to Houston, and my love for Austin gave me high hopes for anything Texas. Jake offered to come with me, but he had already planned to fly home for a few days during break, and I didn’t want him to change his plans unnecessarily.
I arrived in Houston around nineA.M.and went straight to the venue for the workshop. The workshop itself was about forty minutes long and didn’t start until ten, but there was an up-and-coming author interview before it, and I was excited to hear her words.
Gale Stanton was a bestselling author who had quickly risen to stardom for her romance novels,Sweet DarlingandShine Like You. She was a Southern belle, with the sweetest twang and a bright aura that made you want to listen with your whole heart. She answered questions about her inspirations and her muses, and what had led her to call Houston home. She concluded with a brief reading from her upcoming novelHeart of a Rose:
The things we do, and the things we avoid, are all versions of ourselves. Of what we think we deserve and what we believe we’re allowed to feel. Love, regret, even the silence—they’re not accidents. They’re reflections. Sometimes we run from the very thing we’re aching for, just to avoid the pain of losing it. But like the prick of a thorn is worth the beauty of a rose, love is worth losing for.
The room was hushed, every eye fixed on Gale as her words settled like dust in the golden morning light. Sheclosed the book gently, her fingers lingering on the cover like it held a secret.
