“About us,” he said, motioning between us.
I didn’t understand. This couldn’t be more than it just was. My lapse in judgment couldn’t change anything. I was moving away in just a few days. And I still belonged tosomeone else, even if he didn’t. Yes, I loved E, and he loved me, but there was nothing more we could do about it. It was just… bad timing.
When I didn’t answer, he was taken aback.
“You can’t expect to just go back to normal after this,” he said, dumbfounded and wounded.
“E, we have to.” I pleaded. “I’m moving to Texas next week.”
“No, you’re not.” He was frustrated now.
“Yes, I am.” I tried to sound sure, but it didn’t land.
“No—”
“E…” He stood up.
“Just… change your mind. Tell him you changed your mind,” he said firmly, like it was as simple as the words leaving his lips. I sank into the place.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?!” He was frantic. Terrified of losing the only thing he ever wanted. I knew because I felt it too, but we weren’t in the same position.
“E, he’s counting on me. He’s waiting for me—”
“I’mcounting on you!” he exclaimed, his hands pointing at his chest.
“That’s not fair. He and I made a plan. I can’t just bail—”
“But you can bail on me?”
That one set me off. I stood to face him. “Bail on you?! I didn’t even know you were anoptionuntil ten minutes ago! The last time we spoke, you told me to give ‘nice guy Jake’ a chance. Remember that?!”
“Yeah, well, I was wrong. Fuck Jake!”
“I can’t just say ‘fuck Jake,’ E. That’s not fair to him!”
“And this is?! Telling him you love him when you really love me? Lying in bed with him when you know you’re thinking of me, that’s fair?!” His voice was shaky, and it broke the well of tears I’d been trying to hold back.
We stared at each other, heated and stubborn, and then, I broke.
“This is all so messed up,” I cried, sobbing with my head in my hands.
“Yeah…” His fingers interlocked behind his neck and his head fell back with a breath. “You should’ve stayed in touch.” My eyes threw knives at him.
“I should’ve stayed—And how about you, huh?! You broke up with Emma, what, ayearago, and you never once thought to let me know? You wait until I’m too involved with someone else, until I’m moving away, to tell me you love me?”
His hands extended toward me as his shoulders tensed, hiking to his ears. “How was I supposed to reach you? You changed your number!”
“I still have the same house, E,” I deadpanned.
His entire body sighed, defeated. Like he knew he’d lost the battle before the war had even begun. “Yeah, well… when I went there to surprise you, he was there to pick you up, and I lost all my courage at the sight of you… happy with someone else.” His hand wiped over his mouth, and I saw it—the crushing knowledge that it was already over.
I sobbed then, full of anger and grief and turmoil all at once: Angry at time and how it constantly toyed with us. Grieving for the loss of everything that could have been and never would be. Turmoil over the fact that I was going to walk away from the only real love I’d ever known.
He must have seen it, because he did a double-take and pulled me into his chest. He held me there, tight, close to his heart, and he let me cry, the back of his shirt wrapped in the balls of my fists. He cradled my head in his arms and kissed the top of it.
“I’m sorry, Syd,” he said over and over. “I’m so sorry.”
