“You knowexactlywhat it’s supposed to mean.”
His shoulders rose with his drunken aggravation. “Obviously, I don’t, and you clearly don’t want to explain it to me. But hey, maybe yourboyfriendcan help.”
My brain kicked into overdrive, rushing to compute what he was saying, shocked by the accusation. I didn’t want to show it. I tried to control my face, but my drunken eyes betrayed me. E took it as a confirmation.
“Yeah,” he seethed, as if he’d caught me red-handed. He closed the distance between us, towering over me with his big, muscular body. “Why don’t you go run back to your boyfriend, Sydney?” The narrow hallway we were trapped in suddenly felt too small for us with all our blame and unspoken wants. His eyes stayed steady on mine and I forced mine to do the same, willing them not to fall to his lips again, though they begged to. I could feel the heat off his skin. My heart raced in my chest, in my ears with a mix of emotions—desire, fury, want. The walls of the hall felt like a vice, forcing two parts together until they were sealed as one.
“Yeah, maybe I will,” I said, trying my hardest to match the angered aggravation in his eyes, but all I had was hurt, and a deep yearning I was working to disguise. The way his eyes flickered said he was just as conflicted as I was, but I was too drunk for it to matter.
I stormed off, fuming, too angry and confused to correct him. I was too aggravated and too hurt to say anythingwithout crying. And instead of dealing with it, instead of going home and giving myself the space I clearly needed, I stayed. I chose to stay and drink more alcohol.
When E entered the room, I was under Enzo’s arm. His eyes, cold, angry, and sexy as hell, were fixed on me. They stayed for far too long, and the fire that burned in them settled low in my belly. My whole body wanted to be near him, but I was too stubborn in my feelings to grant it the pleasure. And so was he. When Maddy whispered something in his ear, he looked away for only a second before he found me again.
And then he left with her.
And my heart sank a little more.
I danced and danced and danced some more, trying my damnedest to erase the image of E and Maddy and SarahfuckingCashman out of my head.
Enzo misread it all.
“Come on, baby. Let’s go upstairs,” Enzo whispered into my ear, and in my drunken stupor, it sounded good. It felt good—to be wanted. To be prioritized. I needed a getaway, and he was offering one.
Maybe if I had had a loving childhood, I wouldn’t have had an aching void to be filled. Maybe I would’ve made better choices with better people. But that’s not how life works, is it? Life deals you a hand before you even realize you’re in the game—everything after that is just trying to learn the rules while you’re forced to play. You’re bound to make a mistake or ten along the way. I was no exception.
I went upstairs with Enzo and had sex for the very first time. Drunk, careless, and stupid, I gave a piece of myself to a boy I didn’t even love. A boy who never really saw me.Because the boy whodid—the one I did love? He left with someone else.
And I hated myself for it the second it was over.
Track 5
“To You”
-Earth, Wind & Fire, 2005
SCHOOL STARTED BACK up, and we all found a new routine. It was our senior year, and we were excited to be in the final stretch of high school—everyone except for Enzo. He had barely scraped through graduation the year before, and was being forcedinto a dorm-style trade school for a few months by his father. It was only a three hour drive away, but he referred to it as ‘the prison sentence,’ since none of us would be able to visit much.
Lara and Kasey became my only close friends in school, though Kasey tended to skip a lot. E went back home during the week now that summer was over, so I didn’t see him as much anymore. I missed him, but after everything that happened over the summer, I was also relieved.
Enzo and I made things official shortly afterthat night, but it didn’t make me feel better about its events. I actually felt like it was just an excuse to ‘practice’ now that he’d conquered his mountain, but I didn’t see him much before he left, so there wasn’t muchpracticingthat went on. Things were different with everyone, but we adjusted.
E and I found a new normal, too. Things weren’t how they used to be, but sometimes there’d be a flash of what was—the moments we’d end up in our own little world in the middle of gatherings. We still debated about music andwho made the best pizza in town—it was Atelio’s, hands down. And when my spiral notebook was with me, it was still E I wanted to read it to—I just didn’t anymore.
There was a silent understanding among us. One that kept us captive between who we once were and who we would become. I’ll never forget the day we broke free of that mold.
It was an unseasonably warm day in November—and by warm, I mean it was sixty-eight degrees and sunny. I was lying in the grass at the park we used as a second home when E showed up. I couldn’t make out his face from a distance, but I knew it was him. It was that swagger. That walk of complete confidence—like he owned the whole world and he knew it, but it never went to his head the way it would with anyone else.
I tried to deny it, but the truth was I liked everything about him. I liked the way his voice vibrated through me and his throaty laugh. I liked the way he held a cigarette rolled within his index finger instead of between two, like everyone else. I liked the way he never laughed at the asshole jokes or made fun of anyone less cool than him—which was everyone in my book.
I liked the way he saw right through people—right through me with this quiet kind of defiance that made me want to be more, even if I didn’t know how. I liked the way he looked at me like he already knew the parts I tried to hide, and he didn’t flinch. He just… stayed.
“What’s up, girl?” he said, his voice low and warm.
“I don’t know,boy, what’s up?” I shot back with a smirk.
He plopped down next to me and my spiral notebook. Not too close, but close enough for me to feel the charge.
“What’cha writing?” he asked, nodding at my notebook.
