“In fact,” Luke began, “we have an early day in the lab tomorrow. It was nice seeing you, Jenn.”
“You and me, both.” Jenn laughed. “Have a good evening!”
As Ash watched Jenn walk away, they realized they hadn't been breathing. When they finally took in a deep breath of air, they still didn't feel settled. Did Jenn see them so close together? How long had she been standing there? Did she know? Could she tell? And if she could,wouldshe tell?
“Don’t overthink it, Ash,” Luke said, his voice low. “It’s going to be fine. She’s not going to say anything.”
Ash nodded, seemingly unable to form words, and followed Luke to the checkout line. Once they paid for their groceries and loaded the car, Ash went to the front seat of Luke's truck and was still unable to relax. Their heart pounded in their chest, and their palms had begun tosweat. When they wiped their palms on their jeans, they were clammy again in a few minutes.
Luke didn't say anything as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove back towards Ash’s apartment. If Jenn had seen something, would she say something? Or would she not care? Would she even know it was against the rules? Jenn was a mentor to Ash—would she destroy their career because of this? But on the other hand, what did it matter to her if Ash and Luke were together? Was it really a problem, since they were in different departments? Even though it said conflict of interest in the employee handbook, whatexactlydid that constitute? Did that mean a boss and their employee? Did it cover two scientists doing research together? Co-teachers? A professor and a TA or a grad student? Maybe it had no impact on their relationship at all because there was no conflict of interest. If they stopped working together on their research, it didn't matter. Partners did research all the time; just look at Madame Curie and her husband.
Ash toyed with their bottom lip between their teeth as they chewed on the thought of what could happen if Jenn decided to say something. Ash wouldn't quit their job, that much they were sure of. But would they let Luke quit? No. They couldn't let him leave a job where he was so focused on his research. But then again, Luke had said this wasn't his ideal position. He wanted to do research, not teach. Maybe it would be better to let him quit. The third option would be for them to stop seeing each other. Although Ash had only known Luke for a short time, they could see this relationship going somewhere. They’d had deep conversations about grief and death and Ash’s migraines. Luke had cared for Ash when they were sick, which was something none of their previous partners had ever offered to do.
But was it really worth the risk to continue the relationship? Ash hated looking over their shoulder all the time. They wanted to be ableto go on dates and hold their partner's hand and not worry someone might see them. If Ash continued dating Luke while they were both employed at the university, that would be the reality of their relationship. While they knew that going in, Ash didn't realize how hard it would be to actually deal with it.
The sudden stopping of the car thrust Ash from their thoughts, and when they looked to Luke, Ash realized Luke was already staring at them.
“Are you OK?” Luke asked, reaching over to put a hand on Ash's thigh.
Ash chewed their bottom lip for a moment before responding, “I'm having a hard time reconciling my feelings for you and my fear of one of us losing our jobs.”
Luke nodded. “It's not going to happen Ash. It’s going to be fine. Jenn didn't see anything, and-”
“But it's not just that,” Ash said, cutting Luke off. “I want to kiss you in public. I want to hold your hand across the table at dinner. I want to walk around campus with you and talk about memories from undergrad. I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder every time we're out in public. It’s exhausting. I feel jittery and anxious all the time.”
Luke's lips parted slightly. “So what are you saying Ash?”
Ash shook their head. What were they saying? They didn't want to break up with Luke, but would it be the best option?
“I don't know; I think I'm just having a hard time. This is the best relationship I've had, and I don't want anything to fuck it up.”
Luke let out a soft sympathetic noise and squeezed Ash’s thigh. “I promise, everything will be fine.”
“But what if something happens?” Ash asked, wringing their hands.
Ash looked down at where Luke's hand gripped their thigh. They didn't want him to let go now—or ever.
“Hey.” Luke placed his fingers under Ash's chin and turned their gaze to his. There was nothing but sincerity in Luke's eyes. “I promise I will protect us from whatever backlash there will be. If that means quitting and applying to jobs, I'll do it. I know it's a lot to stake on such a new relationship, but Ash, I have never felt this way about anyone. I've never been able to be so open and honest. Hell, I don't even tell most people about my dad because we never get far enough into a relationship where I want to tell them. Or if I do, they don't understand, or they feel sorry for me. People don't listen to me talk about science. They don't want to hear about my research. But you…youdo. You stand by my side because we have a shared experience, and I never feel like I have to censor myself around you. If I'm having a bad day or I miss my dad, I don't feel like I'm going to have to hide that from you because you understand the reality of grief. I would take all these risks because I think this could be something.”
Ash melted. Tears threatened to burn their eyes, but they blinked them back and cleared their throat. Ash leaned forward and pressed their lips to Luke’s. “I really think this could be something too.”
Luke’s smile lit up his face. “Now let's go inside before your ice cream melts.”
Chapter eleven
Ash’s eyes scanned over the data, searching for any sign their most recent model worked. Over the last few simulations, Ash hadfinallyrun successful models. Luke had seen promising results with the biology portion of their research. Ash was proud of the work they’d done and would continue to do.
With every win, they were one step closer to discovering a novel detection method for thyroid cancer. With every win, they were closer to saving someone from the fate their loved ones faced. With every win, Ash and Luke celebrated, even if it was just treating themselves to a scone with their afternoon coffee. If they could wallow in their losses, they should celebrate their wins.
It had been several days since Ash and Luke had seen Jenn at Walmart. Ash had begun to accept Jenn simply hadn’t noticed anything strange between them. With each passing day, Ash had relaxed a bit, and they stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. At first, they were checking their email every five seconds and jumping at every knock at their door. But, as the days passed and nothing happened, the anxiety began to slip away. They’d had a close call, but that was all it was.
Ash rolled their shoulders back as they looked away from their data. Luke stood, hips resting on the lab bench, inspecting his work. He squinted and wrote something down in his notebook beside his many calculations and results. Since they had taken their relationship further, Ash couldn’t get enough of Luke. Of the way he looked in a lab coat. Of the way his hair curled around the edges of his safety glasses. With every day, Ash’s feelings for Luke were only getting stronger.
Throughout Ash’s life, they never thought they would find a partner who would truly understand them. Their love of science had ruined more than one relationship, but Luke got it. He was just as passionate as Ash. Their idea of sexting was sending research articles back and forth. It was everything Ash had ever wanted.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Luke asked, putting his pipette down on the lab bench and giving Ash a soft smile.
Ash shook their head. “Sorry, I was zoning out.”
