I hated the implication in his words.That I might not want to trust him if he was only going to leave me anyway.He wasn’t leaving.Not if I had anything to say about it.
“I can’t understand numbers,” I said.I ignored his question.Better just to get to the point.
I could feel him staring at me as I focused on the road.“What?”
“I can’t understand numbers,” I repeated.I couldn’t look at him.Not just because of the road – I didn’t want to see his face.“They’re meaningless to me.It’s called dyscalculia.Like dyslexia for math.I have to have… cheat sheets.”
I could almost hear the moment of realization.Keaton turned to look through the windshield again.“The notes I put into your desk drawer when I tidied up.”
“I need them,” I told him.My voice sounded too plaintive.I hated it.But I couldn’t bring myself to shut down and hold everything in close control again.Not right now.Not when Keaton was at stake.“If I don’t have them and a call comes in…”
“You can’t give them the right numbers,” Keaton said.He slumped a little into his seat.“Oh, god.That was so stupid of me.I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t stupid,” I said.“I overreacted.”
“You reacted completely rationally,” Keaton said.“I just – I didn’t know the context.I made you panic.I’m really sorry.I won’t ever do something like that again.And if you need help with numbers but you don’t want to let anyone know, you can always ask me.I’m actually pretty good with them.I don’t mind helping.You can even pretend you’re testing me, or something, if that helps.”
The meaning behind his words struck me in the chest like…
Like a giant college teammate slamming into me and knocking me to the wrong angle on a weak knee.
“I can always ask you?”I repeated.My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter.I didn’t dare to look at him or let myself smile.“You’re staying?
Keaton sighed.He turned to look out of his side window.
“I’m staying.”
Keaton
Finally at home, I sat against the headboard of my bed and sighed.Throwing my head back so I could stare up at the ceiling, I tried to make sense of it all.
My feelings.What the right thing to do was.
Maybe it didn’t matter, anyway.I’d already told him I was staying.Too late to go back on that now.
Except I knew it wasn’t, and I could still hand in my letter again tomorrow, and maybe I should – given how easily I had melted like butter when he stood over me, pinning me against that door, making me wish he would move closer and press his huge body against mine.
This was all so messed up, in what felt like the best possible ways, except for that one guilty secret I couldn’t ignore.
The footage I had filmed.
I looked at my laptop, sitting on the table in my room.I had uploaded everything, but never actually gone through it.I should.That was the first step.I needed to go through all of it and see what I actually had.
In fact, maybe I could show it to Clara.Get her view on what Olly –Mr.Harveywas really like.Maybe she could help pull some of that rose-colored wool off my eyes.
I grabbed it and walked the short distance down the hall to Clara’s room, knocking on her door.I waited a few seconds before I heard her call me inside and opened the door.
I smiled to see my little sister sitting cross-legged on her bed, with a box of fancy chocolates open in front of her.She was reading a magazine and eating them.It looked like a rare and well-deserved moment of relaxation.
“Mind if I interrupt?”I asked.
Clara grinned at me.“I didn’t know you were home, or I would have come and found you,” she said.“I’ve been listening to music through my headphones, so I guess I didn’t hear the door.”
“I only got in a little while ago,” I said.I didn’t want to check my watch to see exactly how long.Probably only ten or fifteen minutes.Only that long since Ol –Mr.Harveyhad dropped me off with a lingering look and a reconfirmed promise that I wasn’t going anywhere.
Ten or fifteen minutes without him before all the doubts swarmed my mind so fully that I couldn’t think on my own.
“Well, sit down,” she said, patting the bed covers.The grin on her face was getting wider, if that was even possible.“I have news.”
