I doubted that very much. I had been ready to come clean to Keaton – the only person left in our world who knew what I had looked like during high school, so he could definitely be trusted with this.
But maybe I could give him some version of the truth and still get the help I needed.
I shrugged helplessly, hugging myself tighter and keeping my eyes on the floor.
“He’s just… so good,” I said. “And I’m not.”
“What?” Ace asked, getting closer and leaning down slightly. “I can’t hear you over the music.”
“I said, I’m not good enough for him!” I snapped, raising my voice enough that a couple of people around us turned and looked at me. I brushed off their attention, turning my sullen eyes back to the floor.
“Then be good enough for him,” Ace said.
I looked up sharply, my eyes narrowed. “What?”
“Be good enough for him,” Ace shrugged. He spread his arms to the side, managing to segue into a dance move. “It’s that or give him up. Do you really want to lose him?”
If only he knew that Rowe wasn’t mine to lose. But I shook my head. “No,” I admitted. It had come as a bit of a shock to me, given that this was all supposed to be fake in the first place – but I realized all of a sudden that I couldn’t bear the idea of going back to work on Monday and not even getting to pretend to be Rowe’s boyfriend anymore. Not getting to see him.
Just the back of his head.
And one day soon, not even that.
“So, be good enough,” Ace said.
“It’s not that easy!” I protested.
“Nothing worth having ever is,” Ace said, turning and dancing back into Brody’s arms, the two of them making faces at each other that would previously have sent me into a jealous rage.
Any time before Rowe came along.
I bit my lip, walked back to our table, sat down, and tried to pretend I hadn’t left him alone like a baby.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Rowe asked.
I looked at him and nodded. “I did,” I said. “Sorry I left you.”
Rowe shrugged. “That’s alright. We’re not joined at the hip. I can take care of myself.”
But what if you didn’t need to? The question floated in my mind, something I wasn’t brave enough to give voice to. “Are you alright?” I asked, glancing him over. “You were tired earlier. We can go back to the room if you want. Get some rest.”
Rowe looked at me appraisingly for a long minute. He reached for his glass and drained it. “Alright,” he said. “I’d like that. You don’t have to come back with me.”
I shook my head. “I want to,” I said. “There’s nothing keeping me here, anyway.”
I didn’t bother finishing my water. I just got up and followed Rowe when he moved to leave, hovering behind him in case he needed my help even though I knew he would say he didn’t.
It felt like a long ride up the elevator, and a long walk from the elevator to the room. Silence. I was too aware of everything. Rowe was breathing heavier than usual, walking slower, and leaning heavier on his cane. I swallowed a lump of self-torture in my throat. I had forced him to run down that hallway. Let him run around the whole hotel with me looking for someone who was no one to him. Got him knocked over, twice – and after that, still made him dance with me.
I was a stupid, selfish idiot. And just like always, it wasn’t me who paid the price for it. It was the person I wanted to hurt the least.
Rowe unlocked the door and let me in, and I shut it behind me, turning to the bed and thinking heavily about another night of sleeping with the pillow between us. Another morning of waking up, knowing he would prefer to be anywhere else other than by my side.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Monday would be better than this, after all.
“I’m going to turn in,” Rowe said. He moved to the side of the bed and set his cane down, leaning forward to grab the loose pair of pants and shirt he wore for sleep. His leg almost buckled and I made to leap forward, but he caught himself on the bed.
“Are you alright?” I asked. I watched him cautiously. I didn’t want him to tell me off for patronizing him again, but I was concerned.
