On top of all that was tangled the way I felt about Olly, which was a mess, a real mess, after finding out he’d been the one to save me. He’d saved me, but he’d also been one of them – he’d taken part in the name-calling and the pushing around. Maybe he’d never hit or kicked me.
But I was still struggling to look at him and not just see one more violent jock.
Seeing his own struggles helped, a lot. Knowing how hot he was helped. Rooming with him, incredibly, helped. I had thought I didn’t want it, but somehow being in the room with him had led to a whole new revelation about what happened that day, about how I saw him. Maybe it was good we’d been thrown together after all.
I set the thought aside as my phone rang. I grabbed it up after seeing the name on the caller ID – Clara. My sister was calling for our regular chat.
“Hey, sis,” I said cheerfully. If I was anything but cheerful, she would definitely notice it and start interrogating me as to why. I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about it with her yet – about the whole documentary idea or also Olly’s apology.
“Hey,” she said, and her low tone made me immediately on the alert.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up straight and pressing the phone harder to my ear so I would be able to hear her clearly.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she said with a sigh. “I just want to be able to give you news. And I haven’t got any.”
“Mom and Dad don’t want to talk?” I asked. I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. The feeling of my heart sinking through my chest was nothing new, but it still hurt just as much as every other time.
“I can’t even get them to talk about talking,” Clara said. “Every time I bring up your name they sigh and tell me to stop. Or they just get up and go into another room. I’m sorry, Keat. Maybe they’ll come around eventually. Just not as soon as you wanted.”
I thought about that for a moment. Had I ever really believed that they would come around and talk to me again, just because I wanted them to? “Okay, Clar. Don’t get yourself in trouble by talking about me anymore. I appreciate that you tried, but it’s not worth it. You still have to live with them, after all.”
“For now,” Clara sighed. “I’m counting down the days until I’ll be at college like you.”
I smiled. “My little sister? At college? That’s blasphemy. You’re never going to grow up that far, right?”
She chuckled drily down the line. “You better hope I am, bro. Because I’m not staying here forever.”
That sobered me up a little. “Are things still bad?”
“Worse.” She sighed a deep breath. “Dad’s barely talking most of the time now. When he does, he shouts. Mom’s always hiding from him or going quiet whenever he comes into the room. I don’t know how long I can stand it for.”
I swallowed hard. I had a brotherly impulse to go over there and get here, to protect her. But what could I do over here? I didn’t exactly have a place of my own or an income to support us with. Not yet. And by the time I graduated, Clara would already be at college herself anyway. At least I could give her a sofa to sleep on during the summer.
“Just stay safe, okay?” I told her. “I can’t do anything from here, so don’t risk anything for me.”
“I won’t,” she said cheerfully. “I had an idea of what you could do, though.”
“Yeah?” I asked, rubbing a hand through my hair. I felt a bit useless. Like I wasn’t doing my job as her brother right.
“You could write them a letter.”
The words took a moment to filter through my brain. “It’s not 1920, you know.”
“I know,” Clara tutted. “But you know what you want to say to them. My point is, why not just say it? You can write it and send it here addressed to me. I can give it to them. Or you can address it directly to them if you want. Just get out what you want to say and see how they react.”
I definitely wasn’t going to give it to Clara – not if there was any chance it could blow back on her. But the idea was an interesting one.
Finally getting the chance to say everything I wanted to… that would be even more cathartic than the documentary. I wouldn’t have the chance to lose my nerve in front of them, either, if it was all written down ahead of time. They wouldn’t be able to interrupt me and argue back. I could just say my piece, and they could choose to take it or leave it.
It was an intriguing idea.
“Maybe,” I conceded. “I’ll have to think about it a little more.”
“Take all the time you want,” Clara said, blowing me away with her maturity as always. “You’re the one that’s moved on, not them, so you have all the time in the world.”
I sighed. “I don’t know what I did right to deserve a sister like you.”
She chuckled, and I could almost hear her blushing, even though she wouldn’t want to admit it. “You’re a charmer, Keat. I’d better go, anyway.”
