But couldn’t she see that he would never abandon her?That instead, he was providing a life of safety and peace for her?It seemed the reality of a recall was shattering her.
“I will write you daily.Mother and Elena will help you care for Essie here.And when I return, we will be a great, happy family, as you and I both have always wanted.”
“But when you return, you will only leave again,” she whimpered from her place on the floor as sobs shook her curved form.
Peter sighed heavily.There was some truth to that, a truth he could not prevent nor deny.But then Ana had crawled to where he sat and grasped his hands.
“Por favor, let us go with you,” she begged.Even as her eyes were wide with hope, awaiting his words, a familiar haunted look cut across her features.Ana would never truly desire to return to a war camp again, not after what it did to her family and now her.She must be truly desperate.But the mere thought of Ana and Essie traveling across the ocean with him to a war-torn Spain or France sent shivers of horror down Peter’s spine.A nightmarish vision of Ana limping across the battlefield, her arms baby-laden, flashed before his eyes.And he could never ensure that he would be there to rescue them both, as he had before.Fear wrenched painfully at his stomach.
“I will not have you lower yourself to the life of a camp follower.Even as a translator, I cannot permit it,” he said, squeezing her hands.“I will not have you or Esperanza be put at risk in any way.”
“Then it is I who must leave.I cannot stay here without you.No puedo.”
An entirely different type of panic seized Peter now.This was not the panic of leaving but of being left.He clutched at Ana’s hands and pressed them to his lips, even as she tried to pull away from him.Questions rushed out of him.
“What could you possibly mean by that?”
“I leave...”she started.
“To London, surely?To Heathridge Hall?”he said, the words very nearly blending together, so quickly they left him.
“I go home,” she murmured, her eyes hazy and distant with memory.“A España.”
“No, no.”Peter’s hands moved to her face now, cupping her cheeks, begging her to stay with him in this moment and forever, his mind and movements entirely tortured.“You cannot leave.”
“Pedro,I need to feel safe.I need a place that is familiar and comfortable for Esperanza and me.And Abbeygate will be neithersin ti.”
Abbeygate will be neither without you.Peter had done so much to ensure that Abbeygate offered Ana all the comforts that she required, but he had never considered thathemight be the comfort she really needed.
“And if you visited your grandmother for a time, would you return?”Peter’s voice was brittle, his heart seconds from shattering.
“Willyoureturn home?”Ana’s voice matched his.
“Of course,” the words flew from his lips without hesitation.
“But only whenla armadaallow it,verdad?”
“Well, yes...”he sputtered.
“Then I must go.”
Ana rose to her feet and Peter stood to meet her, although panic and pain made him unsteady.
“I will sell my commission, Ana.I will leave the army.”
Ana froze, halting her steps toward her rooms.Finally, the hopelessness and resignation leaked from her eyes as she turned back to Peter.“De verdad?”
“Yes.I promise,” Peter said, his chest rising and falling quickly.“I only need to return for a short time to see to this matter of San Sebastián.Perhaps a number of months.I wish to see that some sort of justice is brought to pass, even if it only be on our home soil.”
Ana groaned and buried her hands in her hair yet again.“San Sebastián—itdestroy my life.Ittake my father.Why isla justiciasoimportante?O San Sebastián?And why are they more important than our life here?Than me?”
Her words scraped deep into Peter’s heart.And he found he could no longer disguise the truth from her.“It’s not about justice or the army.It’s not even truly about San Sebastián, Ana.It is about you.I care so deeply because they hurtyou.”His voice broke, a groan of agony escaping him.“And I will not survive seeing you hurt so again.”
This was what war truly was.War had not allowed him to escape the violence of his father, the cries of his mother.Instead, foolhardy and selfish soldiers had brought that same devastation to him in an entirely new and heartbreaking way.They had violated and forever altered the mother of his child, the creator of his future—the woman that he loved.
He rubbed a hand over his eyes in an effort to block out the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks and breathed deeply.“I fight for San Sebastián because I fight for you.For us.I will make this right.I will protect you from being put in danger ever again.”
He would be worthy of the suffering she’d endured there.
