Suddenly, Ana found she could not meet Lady Ashmore’s eyes.For if she did, this most perceptive woman would surely see the inexplicable torment within.Surely it would break her.Even avoiding her gaze, tears were beginning to fill Ana’s eyes for no apparent reason.
“Motherhood brings the greatest joy imaginable, as does it the greatest pain.Being separated from one’s own child is like losing part of one’s soul.”
“Is that what motherhood always is, then?”Ana replied.“Pain?”
“If you didn’t know pain as a mother, then you wouldn’t know love.”
“But why must love, something so good, always have pain?”
Lady Ashmore met Ana’s eyes for a long moment and then rubbed a hand along her cheek.“Perhaps this will help me better explain myself.Do you enjoy walking in the golden, late afternoon sunlight?”
“Yes, the sun is warm and gives comfort,” Ana said with a slight smile.“The light is always so beautiful as well.”
“Precisely.It is one of my favorite times to walk outside as well.But have you ever noticed that during that particular time of day, the shadows cast by your silhouettes are much longer than earlier in the day?”
Ana was completely confused now.“I suppose so.”She bit her lip and scrunched her nose.
“To some, it may be easy to focus on the length and depth of the shadows that seem to cut through the light and drown out the brilliance of those golden moments.But the shadows should not discount the existence of the most beautiful sunlight of the day at precisely the same hour.”
Ana imagined the long shadows of the trees, the house, her form moving throughout the garden.She could practically feel the aching of her shadowed body, the weight in her arms so heavy but so light at precisely the same moment.Exhaustion came in waves, lapping nearly at her waist, each shadow around her driving the tide higher.But then she looked down into the wide and watchful eyes of her daughter, and golden sunlight streamed in.And then she felt arms around her, embracing her and strengthening her as she carried Esperanza.
It was Peter.And the sunlight was even brighter now.
“Motherhood comes with many days—and long nights—of shadows, my dear.But that also means that it is overflowing with sunlight.Because shadows only exist in the presence of strong, warming sun.”
“I believe I am beginning to understand,” Ana choked as tears started to run down her cheeks.
“Being a mother can be exhausting and even painful at times.But it is also more joyful than you can even comprehend.I have been reminded of that reality twice over this year upon seeing my sons married.I would give anything to return to the days of my two young, toddling boys, so close in age that they almost appeared to be twins.And now they are husbands, both.”
A greater sense of guilt splashed down over Ana.How could she have taken this woman’s son from her?Particularly when Peter hadn’t ever planned to be married at all?
“I am sorry.Peter didn’t mean to...”
“Oh, my dear, the pair of you are very well suited.I expressed myself badly.I only meant to say that it is difficult to be separated from one’s child, no matter how old or young they may be.As a young mother, I found myself near desperation when I was separated too long from my own little babies.”
The guilt and panic that Ana had felt moments earlier started to fade.“I admit I have felt something like this myself.”
“And that, my dear, is my cue.”Lady Ashmore smoothed the curling black locks on the top of Esperanza’s head and handed her carefully back to Ana.
“What can I do to help?”
“I don’t know.Esperanza is so young, and I feel I fail her already.”
“You are not failing her, dear, you are just learning a great deal about her and about yourself all at the same time.It is quite normal to feel overwhelmed.Any woman would.It can help some to share the burden with your husband.He may be gruff at times, but I promise he is a good man.He endeavors to assist you.And he is accustomed to quite a lot of work, you know.”
“I know.I try to allow that he help me, but sometimes I do not know how to let him.I feel so tired, but I still feel I must dotodo.I have not even spoken of the difficulty of feedingmi hijita, you know.She has hunger all the day and night.”Ana chuckled at that despite the heaviness of her feelings.
“That is simply the role of being a mother, my dear—bearing all those responsibilities as if it were the most natural thing in the world.But it is not a simple thing, nor an easy one.We are called to carry some of the weightiest matters in our minds, hearts, and hands,” she said, inclining her chin in the direction of Ana’s arms, cradling her babe.“But that is because God knows we have the strength to do so.”
“And if I do not know if I have this strength?”
“Then you must let Him give His strength to you.Through those around you who love you most dearly.Through Peter.”
Finally, Ana realized that God was the one who would heal her and protect her, not Peter.She needed to trust that He would mend the broken parts of her that felt they would never be pieced together again.He would carry the burden of loneliness and self-doubt that she could not seem to rid herself of.He would mold her into the mother—and wife—she could not be on her own.God would save her.And He already had, long ago when He felt her pain and gave His life for hers.
God would make her whole—in body, spirit, and mind.
Chapter 36
