“Not at all, my dear.I understand that it takes some time to move about after delivering a child.I remember it well,”
“Just so, my lady.”
“Please, call me Eleanor.We are family, after all.”
“Very well, Eleanor,”
“You have been through quite a challenging ordeal.How can I be of help to you?”
“I assure you I am all right.De verdad.”
“And I assure you that cannot be true.Not entirely.”
Lady Ashmore’s deep blue eyes didn’t waver from her own, burying Ana in a wave of overwhelm that was difficult to sort through.This womansawher.Ana blinked quickly in an effort to dispel the tears that quickly gathered in her eyes.
“I know what it is to struggle with a myriad of feelings after the birth of a child,” Lady Ashmore shared.“And I also know that familiar weight of guilt that appears alongside them.You have a beautiful daughter.Shouldn’t you be grateful?But instead, you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, alone, and unequal to the task at hand.”
The anxiety Ana had held in her shoulders, her neck, slowly started to melt.
“I also know what it is to be mistreated, even violently so, when you least expect it.”Lady Ashmore’s voice broke.“That builds in you a protective nature that only grows upon becoming a mother.And there is no shame in that.”Lady Ashmore placed a hand on Ana’s shoulder, her touch light and careful.“It is no fault of your own how you have come to carry, and now birth, this child.It is even less your fault that you now feel a great need to defend yourself and your daughter against any hint of discomfort or pain.In fact, I believe it would be expected of anyone who has lived through even a fraction of what you experienced before coming here to England.”
Tears soaked Ana’s cheeks now.Lady Ashmore knew.And whether Peter had told her, or whether she had divined Esperanza’s true heritage herself, Ana found she didn’t care.Instead of panic, she was doused in aching relief at the knowledge that someone understood at least part of what she was feeling at present—and didn’t criticize her for it.
“I felt—feel—that same protective nature for my boys.I have not lived through wars in my homeland like you, but I have seen battles of a different sort in my home.And it is no easy thing to experience the delicate changes of new motherhood while also trying to maintain some semblance of defense against a threat.”
Pulling Esperanza closer to her chest, Ana tilted her chin so her tears would run down her face and neck instead of dripping onto the sleeping babe.Her thoughts strayed toMamá.Had she also suffered from these innate, unpredictable emotions as she tried to hold together a family that would unavoidably fall apart?Did she mourn as she saw her husband report repeatedly to his duties, leaving her the lone witness to her daughter being heartbroken at his absence?What ifMamáleft because she too was drowning and had nobody there to pull her above the waves?What if it was the only way she could survive?
Although Ana could never understand nor forgiveMamáfor leaving her, she started to understand the intricacies of emotion that may have caused her to leavePapá.The ache that sat heavy in her heart started to soften as she affordedMamáthat small portion of forgiveness.A great sigh released from her chest, as if it had been trapped there for months, even years.And yet even with the beginnings of understanding, she had yet to find any words to speak.She wished so desperately for her parents.She wanted to embrace them, forgive them.Most of all, Ana wanted to place their granddaughter into their arms and see their joy.But those were blessing she would never have.
“Regardless of the past difficulties you have faced, this beautiful infant is a miracle.She is a gift from God above, a great blessing for both you and Peter.”Emotion washed over Lady Ashmore’s face, her eyes shimmering with tears.“I felt that I was blessed with my boys for a reason, that God had entrusted them to me specifically, despite the challenges I faced within the walls of my home.And I know with all my heart that God has given you this darling girl because He loves you and trusts you.”
The spiritual peace that Ana had been searching for, even unknowingly, clicked into place, like the latch in a lock, holding her heart secure and whole once again.Love and forgiveness from above enveloped her like an embrace that was difficult to describe.Her tears continued to flow, although for an entirely different reason.
“I know it is difficult to speak of these things, dear.I only wish you to feel more comfortable knowing that I understand, at least to some degree, what you are feeling.And please, know that you are safe with me.And with Peter.”
At the mention of her husband, an ache ran through Ana’s heart.But it was duller, dimmer than it had been in weeks past, as buoyed with newfound peace as she was.If Lady Ashmore truly understood so much of what she was experiencing, there had to be some truth in her words about Peter, did there not?Their path ahead would be difficult.He would undoubtedly have to leave them again to report to his duties.But how had divorce ever crossed her mind?It must have been brought on by the desperation of sleepless nights when all her will and rationale disappeared.
Ana watched as Lady Ashmore’s eyes lingered on the babe in her arms, a dim light of sad longing there.Ana bowed her head, breathing deeply so as to fight off the waves that threatened their way upward.“You wish to hold her?”
“Only if you are not in need of her.”
Ana glanced upward, meeting Lady Ashmore’s clear gaze.She noted crinkles around her eyes and a clear focus in her gaze.Was it sympathy she saw there?And understanding?The waves slowly lowered, draining from her mind.
“I would be delighted that you hold her.”To Ana’s great surprise, there was truth in her words.She felt safe with Lady Ashmore.There was an understanding between them, from their roles as women and mothers and from their mutual connection to Peter.
Ana draped a blanket across the sofa to cushion herself and then settled in at Lady Ashmore’s side.She handed Esperanza over to her grandmother, the babe’s round fingers grasping at the air and squawking in protest.Ana opened her mouth to comment on Esperanza’s fine constitution and set of lungs when she was silenced by the sight of her mother-in-law.Tears were dripping down her cheeks, a peaceful smile played across her lips, and her eyes were completely flooded with light.It was a look of awe, much like one Ana would see in a devout worshipper at church in Spain.
“My dear, I have told you before, but she is truly beautiful.”
“Yes, she is.”
Ana supposed she too would feel that sense of awe to the same degree if she hadn’t been fighting to keep her head above water.She adored her daughter with desperation, with every ounce of her energy.She had given up her country, her family, and her future to bring this child into the world safely.But still, there was a distinct weight that seemed to push downward on her, one she could not shake.
“And now that I have talked a great deal of my own experience, I wish to know, truly, how are you faring?”
“Well enough, I suppose,” Ana mumbled.
“Are you certain about that?”
