“Not the judgmental part, no.”
“That’s fair,” he agreed. “But you’ve never brought anyone home before.”
“Should it matter? I’m the same person, same age, same everything whether I’m seeing someone or not.”
“Can you point me toward the restroom?” Riggs asked, pushing his chair back. He wasn’t trying to make an escape. I could see the struggle in his face. He wanted to stay, but he could tell the conversation Marshall and I were wandering into was the one I’d been worried about in the car.
“Down the hall, open door,” Marshall said.
Riggs brushed a hand through my hair before setting off in that direction, footsteps growing quieter the farther away he got. Neither of us said a word until we both heard the door close.
“You’re being an asshole,” I said at the same time my brother offered, “I’m sorry.”
My eyes went a little wide and so did his, but he leaned back a little in his seat, spinning the stem of the wine glass between his thumb and finger.
“I know I am,” he said. “And I’m sorry, I just…”
“Maybe let me go first.”
He nodded, and I took another drink of wine to find some courage.
“You know our relationship is different,” I started. Marshall tipped his chin in agreement. “I expect it’s because of the age difference between us, because I am…because I was so young when I got thrust into this life.”
“No one should have had to come into this family the way you did.”
“And yet.”
“I’m glad for it,” he said with a half-smile. “Not that I would wish on anyone what you’ve been through, but I’m glad that you’re here. That you’re my brother.”
I’d expected Marshall to say many things but not that.
“I’m glad I’m your brother too. And I think sometimes I might have put some unfair expectations on myself because of how glad I was about that.”
He made a thoughtful noise but didn’t interrupt.
“I wanted to be like you for so long. I drink the things you like, I went into the career you have?—”
Marshall interrupted, “Historical renovations would put me into an early grave.”
I chuckled, nodding. “It’s certainly not for the weak.”
“No.”
“Anyway, I…I really wanted to be so much like you, and maybe that was unfair to you. You didn’t ask for that.”
“I didn’t ask for lots of things in this life, Smith. That doesn’t mean they’re not welcome…or wanted.” Marshall paused, looking down into his wine before looking up at me with slightly glassy eyes. “You’re both, by the way.”
“I know. I just…I think what I’m trying to say is… it wasn’t fair for me to model myself so much after you. That’s not what you asked for.”
“I know how I positioned myself in your life. It was not unintentional. I understood what I was asking for the both of us.”
Blinking hard, I rubbed the side of my finger against my lower lash line, grateful to find it dry.
“And I am so proud of the man you’ve become,” Marshall went on. “Proud of the career you’ve built for yourself, even on the days you doubt it. For the life and the friends you’ve made, for the love you’ve found.”
“You were very not nice about the last part when you found out about Riggs,” I reminded him.
“I was caught off-guard by the whole thing, and I’m sorry for how I reacted. Finn made sure to put me in my place more than once since then.”
