Darling Ana,
Querida Ana,
“Dear Ana...”
Peter had not anticipated how difficult it would be to writea letter to his wife.He had so much he wanted to express to her, and it seemed that none of the words he required would come to him.Even determining how to address her proved a formidable task.After all, he was still sorting through the myriad of feelings that their shared kisses had stirred up in him.Peter shook his head as a rush of tingles ran down his spine, as pleasing as it was bothersome.
I apologize that I do not write with good news.It is evident that this matter of sorting through the repercussions of San Sebastián is going to be a great deal more complex than I previously imagined.I am grateful to have the assistance and understanding of Sir Huntington while I am here.He has proven most helpful, and I am ever so grateful.Do not be concerned, for I am in good company at his side.It is beyond tiresome to hear lies told about the happenings in Spain when many of the men around me know the truth of it all.And that truth must be brought to light, not only for the justice required by the courts and people of San Sebastián but also for the integrity and spiritual welfare of all our souls.I am determined to see this through, although I am not sure how we will come to any sort of conclusion at this time.
I will have to spend a little while longer here than I anticipated, likely a week at most.Do not be worried on my behalf; I am quite comfortable at Heathridge Hall, and Mother is keeping me quite entertained, although I miss your company more than I can say.
I promise to return to you at the soonest possible moment, and we can resume any of the holiday celebrations that we may have missed together.
I miss you, Ana.Te extraño.
Yours,
Peter
Peter ran a hand through his hair, narrowly avoiding smudging his face with his ink-stained hand.He was impossibly torn between wanting to return to Ana at the soonest possible moment to ensure her well-being and wanting to fight for some semblance of honesty and justice regarding the issue of San Sebastián.
But he could not allow Ana to worry, wondering why he hadn’t returned after the singular day he’d expected to spend in London.Peter signed the letter and folded it precisely, methodically.He would send it by messenger to Surrey Hills that very day.
“Is everything all right, dear?”Mother said from across the room, where she was seated at her desk, writing some correspondence of her own.
“Yes, Mother.I’m simply writing Ana to inform her I will need to stay here a few days longer.”
“And will that be quite difficult for her?”
“I couldn’t say.”He desperately hoped not.It was already distressing enough to be away from her while she was still in such a delicate state.Peter sighed heavily and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm his rising annoyance at Mother’s continued prying.
“And for you?I imagine it is a great challenge to be away from one’s new bride.Why, you have only been married a few months.”
“Of course it’s a challenge, Mother,” Peter snapped, his voice thin and slicing.Instantly, Mother’s demeanor changed.She seemed to fold into herself, and her eyes held a great deal of pain, much more than a simple retort should have earned.
“I am only trying to help, dear.I thought it might do you some good to talk about how you are feeling.”
“I’m sorry, Mother.I did not mean to sound vexed.Forgive me.”Peter shook his head, wishing he could take back his rash tone.Years apart had not made communication with Mother easier, particularly when he was in a foul mood.A tiny voice of fear whispered that in that respect, he had become more like his father than he had ever wished, even after being anxious to get away from him.
“Matthew frequently discusses his troubles with me, and he finds it helps him a great deal.”
But I am not Matthew.
Again, that insistent frustration returned, rising in heat like a fever.Peter bit his lip to keep an impatient, annoyed response from slipping out again.He should have expected that upon returning home, he would be welcomed with a plethora of comparisons to his older brother.After all, who wouldn’t compare them?Matthew was a handsome, kind, accomplished earl who was wholly adored by Mother and every other person he came in contact with, man or woman.He had never made a mistake in his life, as far as Peter was aware.Peter, on the other hand, was a voluntary outcast who had abandoned his family in their time of need.And after so many years of minimal communication, Mother had the right to harbor some hurt.At the very least, she had the right to feel confused and to seek understanding.
Guilt hazed his mind, thick and heavy, like an insistent smoke.In so many ways, his choosing to leave Heathridge Hall had been a matter of survival.One more day spent under the same roof with his father would have led to violence.And Peter was so untrained at the time, he surely would have been severely injured.When he had realized that Matthew and Mother herself would not allow him to enter into any sort of physical altercation with his father in their defense, Peter felt he no longer had a place there, at least not in his present state.He had joined the army in an effort to gain strength and discipline that would assist him in putting Mother’s home into order once and for all.
But then Father had died unexpectedly of a deadly fever.And now it appeared that Matthew had a wise and firm hand on the reins as the new Earl of Heathridge Hall.The threat was gone.Mother was protected.And Peter had not been the one to do the protecting she had so desperately needed.And all the great horrors he had lived through, all the strength he had gained, would never justify his decision to leave them.
“Never mind that, dear.If you are not ready to speak of these things, I will not force you.After all, we are just becoming comfortable with one another again.”Mother patted the place next to her on the sofa, motioning for Peter to sit.He obeyed, sitting rigidly next to her.“I really am delighted to have you here.It’s been so very long since I have had both of my boys here together.”Peter wasn’t so sure that Matthew was equally delighted.But he hadn’t indicated that his feelings toward Peter were as complicated as the feelings Peter harbored about him.
“I do wish it could be under better circumstances,” he grumbled.“It seems the army is content to bother me even during the months they insisted I spend recovering from the mess they put me through.”
“Are you certain there’s nothing that Matthew can do to assist in the issue?He has quite an influence, you know.”
“I am quite familiar with Matthew’s influence.”An influence neither of them had ever been able to use to protect their own mother.An influence that attracted all sorts of women in the Ton but that didn’t carry the weight to save their armies from being driven to the slaughter...or from causing the slaughter themselves.Peter breathed heavily, splaying his fingers on his lap to avoid creating a tense fist with them.“I am quite certain.It is somewhat of a complex issue.But I thank you.”
“It is regarding your time in Spain, yes?Is there anything you would like to share with me?Perhaps it would help you.”
