‘You know, I’ve got to admit that hearing you . . .’ I shook my head as I took a sip of my drink, suspecting I should’ve steered away from alcohol, the way it opened things up. ‘I really fucking miss the ranch. Everyone.’
‘Everyone, huh?’ she said, raising her eyebrows for a moment, watching my reaction. ‘Yeah, my hometown has that effect on people.’ She glanced at Jamie, smiling. ‘I was only telling him that before you came in. And look –’ She pointed to my cowboy boots with satisfaction. ‘I told you. Once you’re in, that place doesn’t let you go.’
I smiled back, not needing to admit that I hadn’t been able to swap the boots out for my DMs or any of my other shoes.
‘So if you do get volunteers over there, on the ranch,’ Jamie started, tracing his finger on the back of her hand. ‘How are you going to get them to leave?’
Lil laughed again, her eyes lighting up as they met his.
I had to look away. The emotion was so obvious, so visceral that it felt like a slap.
‘Well, I’ll be needing security of some kind,’ she answered, her voice dipping as he smiled with her. ‘Hey, did I mention Jamie had an idea alongside the volunteering, Hestia? It falls in your wheelhouse, kinda.’
I shook my head, knocking back the rest of my drink, hoping it might numb the growing tension in my gut.
Jamie explained his idea, of offering a creative retreat at the ranch, of writers and artists coming to take some time out in the peace and sanctuary of the space there. It made complete sense. Yet more memories of sitting by the lake sketching came to mind.
‘I love it,’ I said simply as Lil clapped her hands together. ‘I’ve done a couple myself, a few years ago. People pay good money for that kind of thing,’ I added, thinking how well it would complement the ranch – how much more space there was to use alongside the horses and all the existing activities Lottie managed.
‘We’d need someone to help manage it,’ Lil said softly, catching my eye as I looked up. ‘You’ve got the kind of skill set we could justify a visa for, you know,’ she added, her eyes fixed on my reaction. ‘I’ve looked it up. Might take a little while to organize, but it’s all possible.’
I drew a breath, suddenly connecting dots. I hadn’t spoken to Lottie since coming back, but we’d messaged back and forth. The tenor of hers had been apologetic, full of love and promises to make things better, whatever that meant.
‘You’ve been speaking to Lottie, haven’t you?’ I surmised, studying Lil just as hard as she kept her face entirely neutral. Jamie’s expression told a different story, a sly smile hurriedly tucked away as he got up to get us more drinks.
‘I talk to my cousin, yes,’ she admitted, shrugging. ‘What of it?’
I sighed.
‘It’s not just about visas, Lil,’ I admitted, scuffing my boot against the worn floorboard. ‘I’m not sure . . . well, it’s complicated with Jesse—’
‘No, it’s not,’ she cut in, shaking her head, meeting my surprise with the same kindness in her eyes I’d seen a thousand times before in Lottie’s. ‘It’s simple. You don’t feel like you deserve Jesse, and you think he’s better off without you, right?’
I opened my mouth for a moment, but the simplicity of condensing all of those feelings into such a short statement somehow stopped me.
‘Look, I’m not saying there’s a hell of a lot more detail to it than that,’ she admitted, suddenly reaching out to me, taking my hand in hers. ‘But you’re wrong. I know I don’t know you that well, but can you please take it from someone that lost their soulmate – a real love, whatever you want to call it – because they believed the very same thing as you do?’
I stilled at the sudden urgency in her voice. She gave a quick glance back towards the busy bar; Jamie was talking to the barman.
‘If that’s what you have with Jesse – and goddamn, Hestia, if you have something with that man, know it from the depth of my fucking heart, he is the best of all of us. Don’t throw it away. Not for anything. Because that kind of connection doesn’t come around often. Believe me.’
She leant back as Jamie returned, smiling as he placed the glasses down, giving me one last look of understanding.
I felt stunned, unable to brush off the depth of genuine feeling in her voice. I believed her, wholly; I wanted to know her story, and I was surprised Lottie had never mentioned anything about it. But then, Lil clearly kept it incredibly private, given how she’d just clammed right up.
We talked about everything and nothing for another hour or so, steering towards more neutral topics before eventually making arrangements to meet up for dinner in a few days’ time, on her last night in London.
I was feeling conflicted as we hugged goodbye. Lil shot me one last look as she headed off in the opposite direction with Jamie, her smile fading to something else, a reminder of her words.
I stewed on them as I walked, using them to distract from the visit I’d now have to make to the flat to collect more of my stuff. My heart lurched as I saw message notifications on my phone, then hardened when I realized they were from Cal, not Jesse. He was reassuring me he was alone and that we could talk, discuss the flat.
There was no way I could go back to living there, or keep paying the mortgage on top of rent for myself elsewhere. He was going to be difficult about it, I knew that too – and it would be an additional expense if I had to get lawyers involved.
Eventually, after letting myself into the front door and closing it very firmly behind me, I launched myself unwillingly up the stairs.
‘Hey,’ Cal said, appearing at the top, kettle in hand. ‘Want a coffee?’
I eyed him cautiously, determined to keep this interaction civil for the sake of getting my stuff out, and nodded.
