‘Oh hey! Goddamn, it’s nice to hear your accent again,’ she giggled. ‘How’s home?’
I swallowed the real answer, not willing to risk a breakdown in public. In truth, hearing her Wyoming drawl was enough to trigger a lump in my throat as it was.
‘It’s so nice to hear your voice,’ I admitted, feeling her pause down the line, cursing myself for not disguising my tone better. ‘It’s been . . . fine, I guess.’ I shifted in my seat, grimacing at myself, knowing I couldn’t lie. ‘Actually, no. It’s been hard. I hadn’t realized how much I’d checked out of my own life.’
‘Oh, honey, I’m sorry,’ she soothed. ‘We all miss you. Jesse most of all, I think. Still, you know how guys can just tuck it all away and get straight back on the horse, right?’
I hummed in agreement, another twist of pain at the mention of his name.
‘Listen, I had something I wanted to ask. The Collective open day was a huge success, a whole bunch of us have been talking about doing another one maybe. I know you’re back over there now, but if you were gonna come over again, there’s a big fucking queue of people here wanting your magic on their skin.’
I blinked, not expecting it.
‘I was just thinking it over, you know, trying to join up some dots. I want to expand my own clothes line, swap out some of the branded stuff for my own. Better margins and all that. Your design did so well, I just wondered, with demand for your tattoo skills too . . . and Bailey told me about the whole volunteer idea Lil’s had for the Diamond Back. I don’t know, I just think there’s so much space for you here, honey.’
I felt a surge of gratitude for Dee, for thinking of me. For all of them.
‘Oh . . . I . . . yeah, I mean, that all sounds amazing,’ I began, trying to compute it against the backdrop of all I’d started organizing for the studio in the past week. ‘I just – I’m trying to sort things out here a little. My ex – my business partner, he’s kind of fucked things up with the studio.’ I sighed, suddenly deflated. ‘Then there’s visas and all of that stuff, even if I could come back.’
‘Well, look, I don’t want to add any complication, but maybe just think on it. I just wanted you to know you had options, from someone . . . not quite so tied up in all the emotional stuff, you know?’
‘Thanks, Dee. It means a lot,’ I replied, feeling myself strain against the need to hold it all together.
We said our goodbyes, hanging up shortly after, a silence ringing in my headphones. I stared at the screen, seeing her shop in my mind instead, the buzz of the Collective open day. In a second, the Messages app was open, my last message to Jesse there on the screen. Before I could stop myself, I tapped out a message.
I’m so sorry for how we said goodbye. What you said meant everything.
I paused, warring with myself, desperate not to hurt him further but needing him to know. I tapped send before I could delete it, adding:
Please take care of yourself x
The messages appeared in boxes on the screen, and then the tiny ticks below to show they’d been sent. As I half swiped to close the app, in the next second, a second tick appeared next to each message.
He’d read them. He was reading them right now.
I closed my phone, putting it screen facing down on the table, my heart racing as though he could somehow see me.
Wolfing down my lunch, I eyed my phone like an unexploded bomb, driving myself insane with wondering if he’d messaged back.
Glancing at the clock on the back wall behind me, I realized I had limited time left before meeting up with Lil as arranged earlier in the week. The thought of meeting Lottie’s blonde twin felt like exactly what I wanted and needed.
An hour later, walking into the pub I’d suggested, I spotted her immediately.
Head thrown back in laughter, she sat on one of the sofa seats, cowboy boot up on the edge of the coffee table in front, hand linked with a guy to her left. She looked every inch the cowgirl, and he looked every inch like he couldn’t believe his luck.
‘Howdy,’ I said, smiling as I approached, watching as she jumped up, her smile and mannerisms so incredibly Lottie that I felt a pang of sadness.
‘Hestia! Holy shit, girl,’ she said, stepping over the guy, who watched with amused curiosity as we hugged. He was cute, with cropped brown hair and inquisitive eyes, an earring and an impressive full sleeve of tats on his left arm. His fitted T-shirt left nothing to the imagination as Lil pulled me back, gripping my arms to look at me.
‘You are so damn pretty in person,’ she chuckled. ‘Jesse wasn’t exaggerating. I know we met on screen, but there’s only so much you can tell like that, you know?’
I smiled, shrugging.
‘Hey, I’m Jamie,’ the guy said after an affectionate glance at Lil. ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’
‘I deny everything,’ I joked, giving him a brief hug too before sitting down, resisting the urge to check my phone again. The initial surge of adrenaline at knowing Jesse had read my messages had mutated into anxiety as nothing came back through in return.
As the three of us talked – them about their sightseeing, adventures in and around London and trips out to other parts of the country Lil had wanted to see – I found myself holding onto her voice. It was so unmistakably of her hometown; even the way she said ‘Jackson’ made me smile.
