‘I’m going to see Luci,’ I murmured. ‘Would you call Rosie? See if we can visit her tomorrow, maybe? Or even a phone call if not.’
She nodded slowly.
‘’Course. You need anything else, just holler.’
I walked slowly into the barn and picked up Luci’s brushes from a shelf.
‘Hey, baby girl,’ I whispered as I let myself into her stall, her liquid black eyes studying me for a moment before she nuzzled my arm. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, unable to stop the tears as they came, running unchecked as I started brushing her, hating myself all the more as she leant against me. The person she trusted most in the world.
Getting ready to leave her.
Leave a whole world behind, including someone who’d come to mean everything.
CHAPTER16
HESTIA
‘I can’t believe this is it.’ Lottie’s voice trembled, her head on my shoulder as we hugged. ‘Your last day. What the fuck am I going to do without you?’
I’d woken up with one aim today. To get through it without crying. And yet here I was, at fucking 10 a.m., already forcing back emotion.
‘Are you kidding me?’ I said, pulling back and grasping her shoulders with my hands. ‘I’ve never seen anyone so in their element. This place is all you, Lots. The cabin’s almost done, you and Cole will finally have your own place to walk around naked and get as noisy as you like – you won’t even notice I’m gone.’
Her eyes were glassy as she looked up for a moment, blinking, then back at me, trying to smile. We both knew the truth, of how much we’d come to rely on daily chats, small moments together that we’d not even had in London. It’d been like our uni days again, having my ride or die on call for good and bad.
‘I mean, I am looking forward to that,’ she admitted, hiccupping a laugh. ‘But . . . it’s just been amazing having you here. It feels like everything’s complete, you know? Especially seeing you and Jesse . . .’ She tailed off as my face changed, the yawning void of pain twisting my gut. ‘He didn’t say a word this morning,’ she added, eyes creased in worry. ‘He knows, right?’
I took a step back, taking the nearest seat at the kitchen table and shaking my head.
‘He was there when Diane called and I said I’d try and find a solution, but he disappeared to help Cole and . . .’ I hesitated, another ripple of pain beginning, almost taking my breath away. ‘I didn’t see him again after that. I went to bed pretty early . . . I don’t know if he saw me asleep or what happened.’
Lottie drew out the chair opposite and sat down, facing me, our knees interlinking.
‘I know Jesse a little now,’ she said, waiting for me to look up, her eyes pinched as she took in my distress. ‘When something is bothering him, he goes inward, into his own head. I know he won’t want to be making things any harder for you. He always thinks of himself last, you know? So don’t take it to mean he doesn’t care about you, I know he does.’
‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ I murmured, avoiding her gaze. ‘Jesse needs someone that won’t add to his list of responsibilities and problems, you know? Maybe it’ll be good for us both.’
She sighed, just the sound of the kitchen clock between us.
‘Look at me,’ she ordered, her tone moving into business mode. As I did so, she narrowed her eyes. ‘Do you love him, Hes?’
I flinched, startled, opening my mouth to respond and then closing it. There was no way of hiding it from her, not at this proximity, with her blue eyes piercing right through every façade I could manufacture.
‘I don’t know,’ I lied, trying anyway. ‘I don’t know what it feels like—’
‘Bullshit,’ she hissed. ‘Lying to yourself is one thing, but you can’t fucking hide it from me.’
‘So what?’ I challenged, throwing up my hands, watching as her expression hardened. ‘So what if I do? What difference does it make? Even if I wasn’t a fucked-up mess incapable of loving someone like they should be, I can’t stay anyway – I don’t have an American passport! What are we supposed to do? Fucking get married and hope for the best?’
She sat upright, levelling me with her coolest stare.
‘Yeah, maybe – that’s one route,’ she said, refusing to respond to my incredulous expression. ‘Or there are work visas, either here at the ranch or elsewhere. It’d take some organization, but it’s possible. But that’s not the issue, is it?’
I clenched my jaw, only just refraining from folding my arms.
‘Things don’t always work out perfectly! Not everyone has everything together.’
She shook her head, slowly getting up from her chair.
