‘You know what, Cal?’ I spat, suddenly wishing he was here in person to tear apart properly. ‘You gave up the right to ask me what to do and solve all of your problems a few months ago. Longer, actually, when you checked out ofus. You want to talk about holidays? What about the two weeks when you just fucking disappeared earlier this year?’
Jesse’s expression had darkened, setting down his coffee on the counter as though ready to intervene.
‘Are you seriously having a go at me for having a fucking breakdown?’ he yelled, his dial instantly turning from one to ten, just as it always did in response to me.
I pushed back from the table and took a breath, closing my eyes for a moment, letting the darkness calm me just enough to take it down a notch.
‘No, and I didn’t at the time either, remember? I just got on with it, covered your clients and admin without fucking complaint and did what needed to be done. But this is a break for me, okay? I need a break, and I deserve one. Look –’ I paused, desperate to not sink to his depths. ‘Why don’t I just postpone my clients for now so you can concentrate on yours, and I’ll go through the business inbox later, make sure we’re up to date with all the admin. Okay?’
There was silence at the other end before he drew a breath.
‘Look, if I annoyed you by bringing up Becca . . .’
‘You didn’t, Cal. What you do with your personal life is not my business, and vice versa. I’m moving on.’ I kept my eyes low, feeling Jesse’s on my face, assessing me. ‘I’ve got to go. If you have any business-specific issues, just email me. I think it’s better for both of us that way.’
We hung up and I leant back against the chair, pinching the bridge of my nose. My nails dug deep into my skin, but somehow the pain took the edge off the echo of the words.
‘Honey, if I smoked, I’d offer you a cigarette right now,’ Jesse said. His voice was soft, but when I looked up, his eyes were hard.
I shook my head.
‘Quit years ago,’ I mumbled, knocking back as much of the coffee as I could handle, hoping it might somehow burn out the feeling Cal left me with. As I stood up, tucking my phone away, Jesse rounded the table towards me.
‘Come here, for fuck’s sake,’ he gestured, holding an arm open towards me.
I hesitated, just for a second, then stepped into him. His warmth, that same intoxicating smell enveloping me as his arm did. My eyes closed instinctively as I leant against his chest, wrestling internally with how comfortable this felt and therefore how much I did and didn’t want to return home.
‘You still coming to the rodeo?’ he asked, his voice muffled as he rested his head against mine for a moment, his lips against my hair.
‘With fucking bells on,’ I murmured. I could feel a sudden surge of resolve firing up in the brief safe haven of his hold.
Jesse chuckled as I gradually released him, all too aware of how much longer I could’ve stayed. My anxiety around his first bull ride for months was resurfacing in the wake of Cal’s distraction.
‘You want to come over with me, Cole and Bailey? Lottie’s staying here with the guests this time, I think. We’re going pretty soon, so . . .’ He glanced at my pyjamas: black shorts and one of Lottie’s oversize vintage Disney tees, featuring a very faded Thumper.
‘You told me to tone it down for the rodeo,’ I shrugged, finally managing a real smile when I saw his. ‘But listen . . . I don’t want to tell you what to do – I have no right, I know. But . . .’
‘Spit it out, Jessica,’ he said, glancing down at the T-shirt, pulling on the hem.
‘Just be careful, please,’ I begged, not intending for it to come out with the intensity it did. ‘I just can’t imagine—’
He closed the gap between us, leaning down. In one heart-stopping moment he pressed his lips against my forehead, his hands on my shoulders.
‘I swear to you, I’ll be fine. And as soon as I’m done, I’m coming to find you and the others, collect my winnings and then spend it all on fireballs. See if we can’t get ourselves barred from Shelby’s this time? Maybe dodge the chaperones and see what other trouble we can cause?’
The implication was crystal clear. Once again, I wondered if he’d remembered the dare I’d taken on, the booking I’d made to prove a point. I assumed he hadn’t, figuring he would’ve suggested cancelling it. Just as I kept intending to do.
‘Don’t tempt me,’ I replied, watching as his gaze slid over mine, then down to my mouth, my body.
He bit his lip, taking a step back.
‘Too late for that, honey,’ he murmured as he turned for the door. ‘See you there.’
As Lottie dropped me off – with a wistful look at the buzzing crowds before she headed home – I knew I’d been right to brazen it out and arrive alone. Partly because the anxiety before the event would have driven me over the edge here, among the energy of the crowd. And also because I’d dressed as . . . battle-ready me.
It steadied my nerves to climb into clothes that felt like a second skin, to slowly and carefully prep my make-up as I would at home. The result was tiny black denim shorts, a blood-red corset, black platform Doc Martens and my hair curled but half pinned up. Soft waves fell around my flame tattoo, and silver dagger earrings next to a row of mixed studs followed the curve of my ear. My make-up was dark, especially around my eyes; my lips were the colour of my corset.
Finding my way around to the chutes as Lottie had instructed, I showed my pass to the steward, who looked mildly shell-shocked by my outfit. The staring continued as I went in, suddenly adding to my nerves. What if Jesse actually hadn’t been joking, and I would now utterly distract him and cause . . .
