The moment was gone, and I was left feeling empty, hollow, and so fucking stupid.
She doesn’t feel that way about you, you twat.This didn’t mean anything.Lydia would bend over backwards to help a stranger.You aren’t special.She is.
So I climbed into the car, the sky thick with rain clouds, and felt the same heaviness slide over me.
Chapter Sixteen
Lydia
The silence was killing me.The sun was setting as we drove back to the campsite and Ren hadn’t uttered a word.I turned up the radio, but the inane chatter didn’t help.The rain pelted across the windscreen.I glanced at Ren and found his face neutral, his jaw locked.
‘This rain is horrendous,’ I said, my eyes flicking to Ren.‘God, I hope it isn’t like this all night.’
A hum.
I turned down the narrow country road, gravel cracking under the tyres.I pushed on the full beam, as the light was slowly being drained from the sky.
‘I hope Mandy isn’t worried.I said we’d be back by now.’
‘I’ve texted her,’ he said, his voice low.‘Don’t worry.’
‘Oh.Thank you.’
The rain came down harder.The people-pleaser inside was banging at my chest, begging to be let out.I needed to ask what was wrong.Was he pissed off with me?I wanted to ask if the farm was too much, too overwhelming.I know if someone had taken me to a state-of-the-art gym, pointed and said, ‘Do this’, I would have run a mile.Maybe this was a mistake.Maybe all I’d done is show him what he can’t have – and he wants thisdesperately. I could tell by the way he looked at me before we got into the car.He was so full of energy, it was like he was lit up from within.It was infectious.
Maybe it was my fault.My brain had stuttered the moment he swiped away the jam on my face.I’d stared at the thumb in his mouth way too long for friends.I’d pictured the way his tongue would have swiped across the pad of his thumb, and I hate that my brain imagined that feeling… elsewhere.It was stupid, reckless.
‘I love this song,’ I said, leaning across to turn it up.I didn’t love the song.It was some indie band I’d heard on the radio a few times.
More silence.My teeth were on edge.
What’s wrong?I wanted to scream.I wanted to climb into his head and read his thoughts.Did he like the farm?Was he inspired?Could I help him persuade Liam to take the leap?
No, Lydia.Other people’s emotions are not your problem.
I’d promised myself on top of Snowdon that I wouldn’t shrink myself just because someone else sighed or stared out of the window a bit too hard.If Ren wants to talk about something that is wrong, he will have to say it out loud.
Finally, we pulled into the campsite carpark, the windscreen wipers were going like the clappers, barely keeping up with the downpour.I turned off the engine, throwing us into darkness.Ren was still quiet, although I could see the steady rise and fall of his chest out of the corner of my eye.Anxiety clamped down on my chest.I couldn’t breathe in the car.I needed to say something or I was going to explode.
‘Look,’ I began, voice thick.I pushed it into a light, airy sound.‘If it pushed you too hard, or freaked you out, I get it.I mean, if someone took me to a random gym and told me I could open one, I’d probably have a meltdown too.I just wanted you to see that it was possible.That it wasn’t a crazy idea.But if you’d prefer, we can just forget it.We don’t have to mention it again.’ I spotted a light by the campsite.‘Oh – I think Mandy is waiting up for us.’
I pushed out the door, the rain hitting me full in the face.The wind and rain whipped around us, and I could hear the sound of the tarp of the tents in the wind.
‘Lydia.Wait!’ A hand came to my elbow, stilling me.Ren was in front of me, rain hit our faces, but he didn’t seem to care.‘What are you on about?’
I licked the rain from my lips.I was grateful for the dark, so Ren couldn’t see my cheeks flushing in embarrassment.‘You haven’t said a word in the car.I read between the lines.The visit to the farm freaked you out.It’s fine!I’d be exactly the same.’
I turned, pacing across the campsite, lit only by the glow of half-asleep tents.
‘You have it so wrong, Lydia,’ Ren called back.‘Will you just stop, so I can talk to you?’
‘It’s fine!’ My voice broke.‘We don’t need to talk about it.’
‘Clearly we do, because you’ve got the wrong end of the stick completely.’
I turned to face him.‘Then why were you so quiet?Why were you so miserable in the car?You know how things like that make me feel.I can’t stand the silent treatment, Ren.’
Ren huffed.‘That’s rich—’
