I couldn’t imagine wrapping my head around the figures, projections and losses for that kind of project.This is why I’d never be able to run my own business.I couldn’t trust myself with numbers.I could move my body and chat with clients.I was good at that, but I didn’t want to deal with numbers, with the responsibility.Just the thought of getting it wrong made my chest tighten.It was why, even as I despised Craig, I was honest enough to admit that I could never do his job.
‘Liam said no.I’d need his sign-on to do it.We’d need to build on the success and reputation of Lily’s to make it happen.’
‘He thinks it’s too much of a risk?’
‘Yep.’
‘Sounds like Liam.’
‘He’s probably right.It would tank.And I’m not sure I can risk failing.’
‘Ren—’
He raised a hand.‘Don’t try to comfort me.I’m being a mardy arse.I’m just trying to say that I wanted something for myself, I suppose.’
He shifted his head, finally looking at me rather than the sky.
‘Something that’smine.’
The word hit me in the chest, and time stretched between us.His eyes flickered, and I could feel Ren reaching out with his expression as if his eyes were grazing my hands and cheeks.I didn’t move my eyes, feeling bold enough to hold his gaze as the darkness and the silhouette of trees against the skies cocooned us.
‘Lydia—’ his voice was pained and stretched out.It snapped me back into place.It reminded me where and what we were to each other.
I cleared my throat.‘I get it.It’s brave.’ I huffed.‘God, I don’t think I could ever do anything like that.I couldn’t trust myself not to mess up,’ I say, staring at the giant oak tree, and back to the topic at hand.
I knew that, without saying it implicitly, Ren would understand what I was getting at.
My lack of ability to grasp basic numbers – even as simple as addition and subtraction – would always hold me back.And it wasn’t as simple as using a calculator.Numbers gave me anxiety.I avoided them at all costs.I never carried cash because the idea of having to count at the till, someone’s eyes tracking how I couldn’t add up the coins, made my palms sweat and my heart pound.
Ren shook his head.‘Even with the dyscalculia, you’d do brilliantly.I’ve always said Momentum didn’t deserve you.Craig.’ His voice dropped.‘What happened with all of that?I got the gist from your mum—’
‘I knew it,’ I sighed.‘I knew you’d been in cahoots.’
Ren had the decency to look sheepish.
‘I was worried.You looked so… lost.And people were talking about what happened with Momentum… and Casey.’
I shifted my eyes away.Casey had texted me a few times to check in over the last few weeks, to let me know that she’d settled in at her uncle’s house, and then to let me know she had started her course and was doing well.The texts were courteous and removed, like she was ticking off a to-do list.I missed her, but not as much as I’d thought I would.
In fact, I felt more than a little guilty that I actually missed my job more than her.And, God, if she knew I was on this hike with Ren.I remembered that knowing look she’d given me when she left me in Lily’s.
You murmur his name in your sleep.
Ren continued, thankfully snapping me out of that memory.‘So, yeah, I texted your mum to check you were okay.’ Ren’s voice turned low and a little lethal.‘So what did Craig do?’
He shifted to face me, his shoulder against the brick wall.I turned my head, and… God, he looked… good.I could just about make out his dark eyes and his tangled hair pushed back from his face.His face had gone serious, with a flicker of something fierce underneath and somehow it made him more handsome.
Ren had always been so unattainable to me, even when he was the most familiar of faces.He’d been reserved when I’d been outgoing.Then, he’d turned flirty and cocky when I’d been unsure, clinging to my rules like a life raft.It always felt like we were in parallel worlds, with a golden cord pulling us together every so often.
‘You know we’re all freelance at Momentum.’
Ren nodded, quietly waiting for me to continue.
‘Well, he didn’t renew my contract.He said I’d been late too many times.That I wasn’t keeping up with timesheets or hitting all the KPIs.’ I shrugged, like it was a full stop.
‘Those bloody KPIs only showed up when he did.Who actually cares how many of those disgusting protein balls you can flog in a month when you’re a brilliant trainer with a full client list?’ Ren glared up at the sky like it owed him something.‘God, he was such a prick.I still can’t believe they promoted him over you.’
I huffed out a laugh.‘I wasn’t in the running.’
