My mind keeps circling the same things: His presence and my company. Before today went to shit, the meeting revealed a lot. I think about the studio and my team's hope when Jabari walks in. About how my anger didn’t matter the second it became their opportunity. I think about the way his presence commands rooms before he even opens his mouth. The way mine does not. It almost did… but was quickly taken away.
And what does that mean for the rest of my career? What happens if we do go public?
Do I lose all my agency? My autonomy?
I refuse to be stripped of it all just to become some footballer’s WAG.
Commitment.
Damn. Who am I kidding?
If this were just sex of convenience, I wouldn’t be here staring at the ceiling counting his breaths. I wouldn’t have cursed his shitty agent out for bad mouthing him to me. I wouldn’t be with him now while my best friend calls my phone repeatedly. The truth is, I do care about Jabari.Deeply.
Still, I keep thinking about Za finding out. And how I could look her in her face after everything.
What would Clark Kent do?
At some point, the dark changes without me noticing. The room gets lighter and morning creeps in through the gaps in the curtains. I blink and realize the sun is up.
I haven’t moved. I haven’t slept. I haven’t solved anything.
Jabari stirs beside me, murmurs something unintelligible, pulls me closer without waking.
And I let him.
Because for a few quiet seconds, before the day starts asking things of me again, I just want to exist in the mess without naming it.
He shifts, blinks a few times, then focuses.
“You stayed,” he says, voice rough with sleep.
“I did.”
There’s a pause. He studies my face like he’s checking for damage.
“Did you get some sleep?”
“No.”
“Why not, Jelly?”
“’Cause,” I say quietly, “I’m thinking.”
He exhales through his nose. “About what I said?”
I nod. I stare at the wall, at nothing in particular, because if I look at him too long I might lose the nerve to say it properly.
“It’s just… I have a lot to figure out right now,” I say. “My brand is so important to me, I don’t want to just be known as your girl. And Za is really important to me too. I love her like she’s my own sister. I can’t put this on her right now. Not when I know how much it’ll hurt her. So I just… I don’t know what to do.”
He doesn’t rush in with solutions or try to make my position feel childish. And I appreciate that.
“You don’t have to say yes to me if you don’t want to,” he says eventually. “I get your position.”
The tightness in my chest loosens just a little.
“Thank you,” I say. “And… I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.” His arm settles around me again, pulling me into him. I let my head rest against his chest.
