I don’t open my eyes.“What night, big man?”
“The night after the club.”
I sigh. “Jabari?—”
“Let me finish,” he commands. “That person you were that night. The way you let me in. I think I’ve been looking for her this whole time.”
Silence stretches between us.
“I think,” he continues as if he’s realising it as he speaks, “the way I’ve been moving about all of this with us wasn’t random. It was me trying to get back there. Trying to feel that again.”
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling.
“That wasn’t the real me,” I say quietly.
“It was,” he replies without hesitation. “It wasayou. From before.”
I turn my head just enough to look at him. His face is half-lit by the city glow through the window.
“That night,” I say carefully, “That’s not sustainable, Jabari.”
“I know,” he says.
“And you don’t want her back,” I say quietly. “You just want how she made you feel again.”
He shifts beside me. “And how did she make me feel, Jabari?”
I turn my head toward him. “Like you can’t do any wrong. Like you’re the most important man on earth.”
He lets out a low breath. “That’s not true. I liked her even when she was a smart arse.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh, please.”
“I’m serious,” he says. “Just like I want you. After everything. Even with all this mess.” His voice drops. “I don’t want this to be over yet.”
My stomach tightens.
“I want—” He hesitates, then pushes through it. “Ineedcommitment.”
I sit up a little. “What?”
“If we ever get caught,” he says, steady now, “I need commitment. I want you to stay with me. Even if it all comes out.”
My chest feels tight. “Jabari. You don’t understand what you’re asking me.”
“I do,” he says immediately. “I’m not saying I’d out us, I’m not reckless like that. I’m saying if it does happen and if it comes to light—I want us to still choose each other, again.”
I swallow. “I just?—”
“I don’t need the answer right now,” he interrupts gently. “I’m not forcing anything. I just need you to know. Think about it. Please.”
I nod slowly. “Okay.”
And I actually mean it.
He relaxes after that, like something unclenched in him. A few minutes later, his breathing evens out. I lie there awake a while longer, staring into the dark.
I don’t sleep.
