I sit in the booth by myself for what feels like hours as I struggle with what I’m supposed to do, nursing a rum and Coke that’s more ice than drink now.
The pub’s warm, low light presses against my temples, and every time the door opens, a gust of cold air snakes across my ankles. Life’s moving around me while mine feels like it’s holding its breath waiting for me to man up and pick a direction.
And I still can’t.
Jabari and Za are off God knows where, probably having the time of their lives dancing on a table or bullying a DJ while I’m here trying to come up with what I’m supposed to be doing.
Benny.
God.
His name alone makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.
I completely forgot why we were even here.
Slowly, I swirl my drink, watch the amber liquid catch the light and its condensation sticks to my fingertips.
Benny isn’t terrible.
He’s…fine.
Nice in that mild, beige sort of way. A way safer option than Jabari. And he’s predictable. Easy validation with barely any emotional effort required on my part.
And maybe that’s exactly why I went for him. Because I didn’t have to think or risk anything. But then there’s Jabari.
Loud, irritating, smug-as-hell Jabari who somehow sees through me like I’m made of glass. Jabari who wants me to end things with safety to take a dance with danger.
Fuck I’m tired of having to choose! I want it all!
I take another sip, the rum burning a little on the way down, and let myself admit that maybe it’s time I stop settling for men who barely impress me.
Maybe I will stop thinking about men entirely.
Let myself be celibate and join a ministry.
“The answer isn’t in the bottom of that glass, you know.”
I glance up. Za slides into the booth across from me, her expression soft but knowing.
“I know,” I say, pressing my thumb into the condensation ring on the table. “I’m just trying to think. But it’s so loud in here.”
“You wanna go?” She leans in, voice lower than the music thudding through the pub. “We can go if you want. Try again another day.”
“Yeah, I’m not in the mood for this.” I rub a hand over my face. “Where is your brother anyway?”
“He’s at the bar getting a—God have mercy.”
My stomach dips. “What?”
“Benny’s walking over here.”
My eyes widen. “Likenownow?”
“Now!” She says through gritted teeth, eyes loading in in the approaching body behind me.
I sit up as Benny reaches the table with his mouth pressed into a thin line.
“Hi,” I say carefully.
