She sets them down a little harder than necessary.
“That line at the bar took forever! What are we talking about?”
“The conversation is over.” I say with finality. “Right, Jabari?”
He looks at me for a long time before downing his drink Za brought and getting up.
“Toilet.”
“What’s that about?” Za slips into his vacant seat.
I shrug. “I don’t know, you dipped out right when it was getting good.”
She sighed at my mocking tone.
“Why didn’t you say something when Jabari was saying all that stuff to me?” I press.
She blinks like the answer is obvious. “When have you ever needed me to defend you against Jabari?”
I narrow my eyes at her. “You know what I mean.”
“I wasn’t trying to gang up on you,” she says, looking directly at me now. “But… I think I agree with Jabari.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I hate watching you settle for people who don’t even see you.”
“So, why didn’t you say anything before?!”
She shrinks at my voice, “Because I didn’t want you to yell at me like you’re yelling now!”
Something in my chest tightens.
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look. I know you Frankie. You can be a bit defensive about being criticized. I just didn’t want to upset you with my opinions. Besides, it's your life.”
I reach out and squeeze her hand.
“Zee,” I say quietly. “I much rather you tell me what you think than Jabari of all people. And you’re my friend. Youshouldn’t hide what you feel just because I’m a little sensitive at times.”
She searches my face, like she doesn’t quite believe me.
“I just don’t want you hurting yourself,” she says.
“I know. I won’t,” I say, meaning it.
My mind does this thing where it likes to play out all my past mistakes whenever I have to face them. Just so I can be forced to swallow it. Like now, it’s replaying Jabari’s confession alongside Za’s. One begging me to give them a chance while the other wants me to protect myself. And I can’t do both.
I can’t in good faith hold on to the promise that Jabari will be worth the risk. He’s okay I guess but this is Chinaza we’re talking about.
My best friend.
Would she even forgive me if I told?
Would she trust me?
To be fair, I’ve seen her be forgiving and trusting for less. But I never wanted to take advantage of that. Her world is hard enough without me adding to the bullshit she’s expected to swallow.
