“Maybe,” he says. “Only if you let me watch.”
I smile at him sweetly.
“I know watching intimate moments between other people while not participating makes sense to you as a cuck,” I say calmly, “but that is not the norm of civility. Calm yourself.”
Za lets out a sharp laugh.
Jabari just stares at me, lips pressed together, clearly deciding whether to be offended or impressed.
I sip my water and look away.
Score one.
“I’m sure a man showing interest in your wellbeing outside the bedroom seems foreign to you,” Jabari says, leaning in, voice low but pointed, “but some of us are tired of watching the circus you’ve put on for yourself.”
Score redacted.
“I’m making a circus for myself?!” I snap, heat flashing up my chest.
Za lets out a long, tired sigh. “Where is that server?”
I don’t look at her.
“Tell me, Jabari,” I say, sitting forward now, chin lifting on instinct. “How does what I do in my private time a circus?”
He exhales, shaking his head. “Forget it.”
“No. No.” My voice is steady, but my hands aren’t. I curl my fingers together under the table. “You don’t get to throw thatout there and backtrack. You knoweverythingabout me, so go ahead, big man. Tell me what’s wrong with what I’m doing.”
“Guys stop it,” Za tries. “Calm it?—”
“You’re lowering yourself,” he cuts her off with certainty. “You’re entertaining yourself with these jokers ‘cause you think these losers are the best you’re gonna get. But they’re not. You’re too fucking good for them—but you’re also too fucking stupid to see it.”
I go still. I’m almost tempted to remind him he’s one of the ‘losers’ I’m entertaining myself with.
The noise of the pub fades into the background. Even Za doesn’t speak. And in that silence, I realise something worse than his words. Za agrees with him.
I don’t need to look at her to know. I feel it in the way she doesn’t jump in to defend me. She’s been thinking it for a while. Longer than him even.
“Right,” I say finally.
“I’m gonna go find our drinks,” Za mutters, sliding out of the booth. She doesn’t meet my eyes as she leaves. That hurts more than anything Jabari said.
He drags a hand down his face.
“We talked about this already and I said I’d end it,” I look at the table as I talk. “There’s no need to get vicious.”
“I’m sorry. It was harsh.”
I don’t respond. I can’t yet. If I open my mouth, something ugly might come out.
“Frankie,” he says more quietly.
“If you had something to say to me about my private life, you could’ve said it when we were together. Not in front of my friend.”
“I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t know what came over me.”
I inhale slowly, forcing my chest to rise and fall like I’m not suddenly very aware of myself.
