It was her smile that made me ask her out our freshman year of college. She’s got this way with her lips that makes you think she can and will give you the best O of your life and then hack you to pieces, and I guess I hated myself back then enough that I wanted that. That was also before I realized I was gay as a unicorn fart—huh, I bet that’s disrespectful to unicorns. I’ll have to come up with a different way to say gay.
“Oh, I just saw that you got back from Italy—I follow you on the socials, you know—and thought I’d drop in, see how things are going for you. I saw Darcy on the street and he said you had a commotion?”
“How do you know Darcy?” That’s some weird kismet that they know each other.
A wicked smile splits her pretty face. “He was the first bounty hunter they sent after me.”
“Oh, yeah? Me too. But that was yesterday. Got kidnapped by a baby flink and taken all over the universe and other realms.When’d you learn about magic and stuff?” Because when I knew her, she definitely didn’t tell me about magic.
“Oh, I’ve known all my life. I’m not human.”
“Makes sense. What happened with your bounty? I just got the baby flink removed and then he brought me home. Had space Starbucks, though, so that was cool.”
She laughs with abandon, and I like that she’s still the bright spot of joy she’s been since I met her. It’s a dangerous sort of joy, but I’m not judging. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, and she’s got things to do. “He caught me and immediately let me go. Cleared my bounties, too. Then just a few days ago, the new Avatar of Good also cleared my bounties—well, that was before he became the new Avatar. I’m a free girl right now.” She laughs again. “It won’t last long. I got work to do and being Robin Hood’s a good way to get contracts taken out on you, you know?”
“Well, maybe we can convince Darcy to put a ban on contracts for you now that he’s important. He’s the new Avatar of Neutrality, did you know?” The microwave dings again, and I pull out her curry. “You want rice?”
“Nah, I’m not for filler,” she says, taking the hot curry from me.
“Same. I’d rather be able to eat more of the good stuff,” I laugh.
She raises her container in a toast. “Here, here. I don’t think Darcy would put a moratorium on bounties for me, but it’s nice of you to think of that.”
“Can’t hurt to ask,” I shrug. “I’m seeing him tonight, so I’ll just mention it.”
She gives me a much softer smile than any I’ve seen on her lips. “Thanks, El. That’s really kind of you.”
I reach over and pat her hand. “So what’re you up to now?” I ask, curious what she’s been doing.
“Raising money for hospitals in underserved places. I’ve almost got a new one fully funded,” she replies with some malicious glee.
“Good for you!” That’s amazing, what she’s doing. “Tell me all about it.” Because that sounds more interesting than what I’m doing. Well… I actually like what I’m doing too, but still, raising money for hospitals—waaaay more humanitarian than my stuff. Not that what I’m doing won’t help humanity, but it’s not hospital level humanitarian aid.
Sam’s wicked grin gives me a warm sense of nostalgia. She looked just like this on our first date while we were pushing a body into the bay. Some guy had tried to mug her on the way to meet me. She is the definition of fuck around and find out, and even though we can’t be romantic, I will always love that about her.
“There’s this charity organization that’s building a hospital in Peru, so I adopted the project. I got fifteen million from a capitalist this last week and donated it straight away to the organization doing the work. That should fund them for a couple of years. I’m still deciding who my next target is, but I want that hospital fully funded for the next twenty years, and I’m not stopping until it is. People need fucking healthcare, and if I have to buy the mercs to defend the hospital myself, it’s going to happen.”
“You’re amazing. How’d you get that much money?” That’s probably something I should know since I think part of my future job will be writing grant applications.
“I stole it,” she laughs. “That capitalist was thinking with his dick and gave me everything I wanted in exchange for a few stupid Os. I mean, I like getting off, but he wasn’t anything to write home about. So I emptied a bank account and sent the money to the non-profit.”
“Robin-Hooding it up—good for you. You should be proud of yourself.”
She beams at me. “I am. So what’re you up to? Still going to be a weatherman?”
The front door opens with a bang, and Sam jumps up, spinning on the spot. The man standing in the doorway glares at me as he swings a bat from side to side. He’s wearing a sweater from my university, but it takes me a full three seconds to recognize him.
“Jimmy? What are you doing here?” (He’s thirty eight and doesn’t even go to my university. I went on one date with him just before I left for Italy, and he said he wasn’t at all interested in chatting over the summer, so I deleted his number.)
“You cheating little whore!” he yells, raising the bat above his head.
Sam rushes him, slamming her shoulder into his stomach and knocking him back. I have a feeling things are about to get bloody, so I put my food down and walk around them. (She’s gotten the bat out of his hands and uses it to knock his legs out from under him.) I shut the door and remember to lock it, then lean against it as Sam uses the bat to cave Jimmy’s skull in.
“That’s the second murder that’s happened in this apartment today. It is not a good day for my exes. You should be careful, Sam. I don't want anything to happen to you.”
She pauses beating Jimmy with the bat, shoving her hair out of her blood spattered face. “It’s not murder if it’s self-defense,” she replies between panting breaths, then returns to making minced meat of Jimmy’s face.
Actually, is it decapitation if she uses a bat to pulverize his head and there’s nothing left of it when she’s done? I think if I gave her a couple more minutes all that would be left is mashed skull, and I don’t think it would be considered attached to the neck. Hard way to decapitate a person though. “You should tryaxes. Easier to decapitate a body, and hey, then we could just chop it up at the joints and make it easier to transport.”
