But I can't deny it anymore.I can't keep pretending I'm fine handling this alone.
I drag myself out of bed, pull on a cardigan over my pajamas, and move through the flat checking locks.Front door, windows, back door.Everything is secure.
The ritual calms me.Just slightly.Enough to breathe properly.
In the kitchen, I put the kettle on and stand at the window watching the street below.Empty.Just parked cars and a few early risers heading to work.Normal.
But Declan's out there somewhere.Watching.Waiting.
The thought should terrify me.Does terrify me.But underneath the fear, there's something else now.Something new.
I'm not alone anymore.
Tank knows.And he's not running.Not backing away.Not telling me it's too much or I'm too damaged or he can't handle my mess.
He's staying.
The kettle clicks off.I make tea, wrap my hands around the warm mug, and let myself have this one quiet moment before the day starts.
I hear Warren before I see him.Small feet padding down the hallway, door creaking open, his sleepy voice calling, "Mam?"
I turn.He's standing in the kitchen doorway in his dinosaur pajamas, hair sticking up everywhere, rubbing his eyes.
"Morning, love."
"Morning."He pads over and climbs onto a chair."Are you working today?"
"No.Day off."
His face lights up."Can we do something fun?"
"Of course we can.What do you want to do?"
"Park?With Gran?"
I smile despite everything."Yeah.We can do that."
He grins, gap-toothed and beautiful, and my chest aches.This is why I left Declan.This right here.So Warren could have mornings like this.Safe.Happy.Normal.
And I'll be damned if I let Declan take it away.
"Can we have pancakes?"Warren asks hopefully.
"Special pancakes.With chocolate spread and everything."
"Yes!"
I move to the cupboard, pulling out flour and eggs, and Warren chatters beside me about his favorite dinosaurs and what he wants to do at the park.
But part of my mind is elsewhere.Scanning.Planning.Making sure today stays safe.
We're halfway through making the batter when Mam appears in the doorway.Dressing gown, slippers, mug of tea already in hand.She takes one look at me and raises an eyebrow.
"You look a bit more human today."
"Thanks, Mam."
"Better than the ghost you've been the last week."She moves to the table and sits down."Sleep alright?"
