"Better."
She studies my face, eyes too knowing."What's changed?"
"Nothing.I was just tired before."
"Right."She doesn't believe me.I can see it in the way she's watching me, weighing what to say."You sure that's all it is?"
I focus on pouring batter into the pan."Yeah."
Mam's quiet for a moment.Then she says, carefully, "If Declan has been back, you’d tell me, wouldn't you?"
My hands still on the spatula."Course I would."
She doesn't push.Just sips her tea and watches me work.
We take Warren to the park around eleven.It's cold out, but the sun's trying to break through the clouds, and Warren's bouncing with excitement.
The park's busy.Families everywhere.Just a normal Saturday morning.
But I can't relax.
My eyes scan constantly.Every man who's the right height.Every parked car that looks familiar.Every sound that's too sharp or too close.
Warren runs ahead toward the playground.Mam follows at a slower pace, settling onto a bench with a good view.I stand nearby, arms crossed, watching.
"Go play with him," Mam says."You're making yourself anxious just standing there."
"I'm fine."
"Enya."Her voice is gentle but firm."Go.I'll watch."
I hesitate, then move toward the swings where Warren's already climbing on.I push him gently, listening to his delighted squeals, trying to focus on this.On him.On normal.
But my eyes keep drifting, scanning faces, checking exits, looking for threats.
A car door slams nearby.I jump, heart racing, spinning toward the sound.
It’s just someone getting out of their car.Normal.Fine.
I force myself to breathe.
"Mam, higher!"Warren calls.
I push harder, watching him fly forward, hair whipping back.He's laughing.Safe.Happy.
This is what matters.Not my fear.Not Declan.Just this.
After twenty minutes, Warren runs off to the climbing frame.I move back to the bench where Mam's sitting, sinking down beside her.
She doesn't look at me.Just says quietly, "You're jumpy, honey."
"I'm fine."
"No, you're not.You've checked over your shoulder five times in the last minute.And you nearly jumped out of your skin when that car door closed."She turns to face me now."He’s not stopped, has he?He’s still watching you, isn’t he?"
My stomach drops."Mam..."
"Don't lie to me, Enya."Her voice is soft but steel underneath."I'm your mother.I know when something's wrong.And I know fear when I see it.He’s not gone, is he?"
