He's chattering away, explaining the rules, and who’s fighting who.Why the herbivores are teaming up against the carnivores.I just listen.He’s so animated about it that it’s fun to just play along.It’s easy, natural, like I've been doing this for years instead of less than twenty-four hours.
But underneath the ease, there's fear.What if I fuck this up?What if I'm not good enough?Not stable enough?What if Warren grows up and realizes the man who's been in his life killed someone?
What if Enya realizes the same thing and decides I'm too dangerous to have around her son?
The thoughts spiral, dark and insistent.
Then Warren hands me another dinosaur."This one's the baby.You have to protect it from the T-Rex."
His words pull me from my spiraling thoughts.”I can do that."
"Good.Because the T-Rex is really scary."
I look at this kid.Five years old and already he knows what it means to need protection.He already understands fear and he's trusting me to keep him safe.
The weight of it hits hard.
"Devin?"Warren's looking at me with concern."You okay?"
"Yeah, mate.Just thinking."
"About what?"
"About how lucky I am to be here."
He smiles, a big, gap-toothed smile that’s genuine."I'm glad you're here too."
Something in my chest cracks open, makes room for this kid, for this life, for all of it.
"Come on," he says."The baby dinosaur needs rescuing."
So I rescue the baby dinosaur, fight off the T-Rex, and follow Warren's instructions with the kind of focus I usually reserve for club business.
And it's the best thing I've done in years.
Enya appears in the doorway about twenty minutes later.Her hair’s messy, eyes sleepy, and she’s wearing my shirt from last night.I had a bag of clean clothes with me, just in case.
She stops and just watches us for a moment, her face soft and filled with love and happiness.
"Morning," I say.
"Morning."She moves into the room, pressing a kiss to the top of Warren's head."You let Devin sleep?"
"He woke up on his own.We're playing dinosaurs."
"I can see that."She looks at me."You didn't have to get up."
"Wanted to."
She studies my face, no doubt looking for lies or resentment.But she won't find any.
"Warren, love, can you bring your dinosaurs into the sitting room.I’ll be getting breakfast ready soon.I just need to talk to Devin."
"Okay."He gathers his dinosaurs and runs off down the hall.
Once he's gone, Enya sits beside me on the floor, close enough that our shoulders touch.
"You're good with him," she says quietly.
