"Breathe with me," Devin says."In for four.Hold for four.Out for four.Can you do that?"
I try.Fail.Gasp instead.
He takes my hands in his, holding them firmly."Again.With me.In..."
He breathes in, slow, deliberate.I try to match him.
"Hold..."
I hold, chest burning.
"Out..."
I exhale shakily.
"Good.Again."
We do it over and over, his hands anchoring me, his voice guiding me, until slowly, painfully, the panic recedes.
I'm left shaking.Exhausted.Ashamed.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"Don't."
"I thought I was past this.Thought I could?—"
"Healing's not linear.There are going to be good days and bad days, moments when you're fine and moments when you're not."
"I hate it.I hate that he still has this power over me even though he's gone."
"He doesn't have power.Your body's just protecting you.It'll take time to learn you're safe now."
I press my face against his chest and just breathe him in."What if I never feel normal?"
"Then we figure out what your new normal is.Together."
"What if I push you away?What if I'm too much?"
He tilts my face up, making me look at him."You're not too much.And I'm not going anywhere.I'm here for the quiet moments, not just the crises."
Tears slip down my cheeks."I don't deserve you."
"Yeah, you do.You deserve safety and care and someone who won't leave when things get hard."
I want to believe him.I want to trust that this is real.That he's real.
"I'm scared," I admit.
"I know.But you don't have to be scared alone anymore."
We sit there, just holding each other, letting the fear settle, letting the moment pass.
After a while, Devin says, "You know what Warren asked me earlier?"
"What?"
"If I'd ever seen a real dinosaur."
