Hayden’s chuckle is halting and short. “I thought you’d like it,” he says, kind of subdued.
I bump him lightly with my shoulder. “I mean, your food is better, but this is a close second.”
He smiles but there’s a hint of strain in it. I’m pretty sure it’s the depression, which doesn’t surprise me. It always hits right when Hayden’s having a good time and he was having a hella good time during our shoot.
I’d never seen him like that before—at least not in person. Like, genuinely happy and truly enjoying himself. Not distractedby whatever’s going on in his head. I’ve only seen that version of Hayden in the videos I found online.
When I first met him, I wondered whether that version was only a persona he put on for the camera. But now I know that’s the real Hayden. He’s still inside there somewhere—I just have to help him get back to who he really is.
It’ll take time, I’m sure. I can’t expect him to miraculously get better overnight because he’s seeing a therapist now. But I’m in no hurry. I can wait. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.
The library doesn’t look like any library I’ve seen before. The place ishuge. It honestly looks more like a museum or a monument of some kind. The front of the building is this ginormous, imposing wall of smooth stone that curves inward like it’s purposefully trying to intimidate you. The main entrance has these massive black doors that reach almost to the top of the building. Golden figures of animals and famous people I don’t recognize decorate the doors and also the two towering columns on either side.
Walking into the building feels like I’m walking into a temple of some sort, like a mammoth shrine to books. The inside is just as impressive. The lobby is like, three stories tall, with that hushed echoey vibe you only get with really important buildings.
Hayden actually looks kind of nervous as we head inside. I’m not sure why. Does he think I won’t like it? Or is he afraid he’ll feel differently about the place than he used to?
I mean, he doesn’t have to worry about me. The library is obviously important to Hayden, so it’s important to me too. I just hope he can still find the same joy in books and reading that he once did.
In the middle of the lobby, Hayden stops and lifts his head to look around as if this is his first time here. It’s kind of hard to read his expression. There’s some wonder in it and somenostalgia too. Like he’s trying to match up what he sees now with what he remembers.
After a moment, he takes a deep breath and as he lets it out, some of the tension he’s carrying melts away.
He turns toward me, a little sheepish. “Can I show you my favorite place?”
He has a favorite place in the library—god, he’s adorable. “Hell yeah, you can.”
Hayden takes my hand and leads me down hallways and up stairs. We turn left, then right, then left again and go through so many doors, I have absolutely no idea where we are.
Then suddenly we’re in this super quiet area with almost no one around. Huge windows look out over the park with small padded benches in front. Hayden sits down on one, peeking up at me through his blond lashes with a hesitant smile.
“This is it?” I ask, sitting down next to him.
“Yeah.” His voice goes up at the end like it’s a question.
I look around at the long bookshelves in front of us, filled with books. Then turn sideways on the bench so I can glance out the window. I can totally see Hayden curled up here for a few hours, getting lost in a book.
“I like it,” I declare, leaning back against the wall and settling in.
“You do?” Hayden sounds surprised and kind of amazed, like he was expecting me to hate it.
I nudge him with my foot. “Yeah, of course, I do. It’s really nice.”
He takes another look around, a small smile gracing his lips. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”
We gaze into each other’s eyes. His are a bright green, shining with the light of the sun through the window. There’s a hint of uncertainty in them, like he’s teetering between a bunch of conflicting emotions and he doesn’t know which one to feel.
I take his hands and thread our fingers together so our palms touch.
He takes a deep breath and lets it out, his grip tightening. “I love you.”
I blink, stunned by his unexpected declaration. He does? I mean, I know he does. At least, I was pretty sure he did. Except I thought I’d end up saying it first. I thought he might need more time to come around to the idea. But nope, he beat me to it.
When I don’t respond right away, Hayden rushes ahead.
“You don’t have to love me back,” he says, dropping his chin to his chest. “I totally get it if you don’t. I know I’m hard to love. And I’m so messed up. Why would you love me? Sorry. Forget it. Forget I said anything.”
“Whoa, babe.” I put one hand under his chin and lift his head to meet my gaze. I make sure he’s looking right into my eyes before I speak. “I love you too.”
