I can’t really tell if he’s speaking to me or to himself and my heart aches a little at the thought. Has he done things he hasn’t wanted to do? Is that why he seems so sad sometimes?
“As long as you’re not being pressured into it or anything, it should be great.” His voice is tight, like he’s struggling to be encouraging. His lips are curled into a smile, but it looks forced.
“I’m not,” I say cautiously, feeling like I’m walking through a minefield for some reason. “Areyou?”
There’s a slight flinch around his eyes, but his smile doesn’t budge. Like, not even the smallest twitch of muscle. “Nope.”
“Good.”
“Great.”
“Awesome.”
So why does it feel like there’s a gun pointed at our heads? The feeling of being both the gunman and the hostage follows me for another couple blocks. I feel like I’ve set something in motion that I can’t stop. That things are about to change, but I don’t know whether they’ll change for the better or for the worse.
But this is what I wanted, isn’t it? This is why I came to New York. To do something different. To take a risk. But now that I’m here, now that it’s actually happening, I can’t help wondering if I’ll end up regretting everything.
I’m so caught up in second-guessing myself, I don’t notice where we’re going until we’re in the middle of what looks like a giant park.
“Uh… is this the way back to your place?”
Hayden blinks like he’s surprised to find himself here too. “No, it’s a park not far from my place. I… sorry. It’s this way.”
He turns to head down another path, but I grab his arm to stop him. “Hey, wait.”
Hayden freezes, eyes flicking to my hand on his arm. I let go, hand still floating in midair.
“Sorry, I just…”
Hayden lifts his gaze and when I look into his eyes, all my words fail me. The emotions swirling around those emerald greens are so vast and complex. How can one person hold all those emotions inside them at the same time? Sadness and fear, hope and want, and a dozen other ones I can’t tease apart. Like there’s a battle raging inside him and it’s too early to tell which side will win.
“It’s a nice day,” I say, gesturing vaguely around us. “Maybe we can hang out a bit?”
Hayden scans the park like he’s seeing it for the first time. The trail we’re on winds through giant fields of grass dotted with stands of mature trees. Groups of picnickers are scattered across the lawn, lounging on blankets or tossing frisbees around. Moms with strollers mix with other pedestrians as joggers weave in between us to get past. There’s a light breeze that cuts the heat, making it actually comfortable to sit out in the sun.
“Yeah, sure,” Hayden says, even though he sounds anything but sure.
I lead the way off the paved path and to a shady spot under a tree. We sit down and Hayden pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his shins. His gaze wanders across the lawn in front of us, stopping at each group of people like he’s trying to see if he knows them. Then he drops his chin to his chest, chews on his bottom lip, and rips a few blades of grass from the ground.
I wish I hadn’t brought up camming with Sebastian today. I could’ve waited until we started shooting the documentary to broach the subject with him. Maybe then he wouldn’t have roped Hayden into this. Maybe then Hayden wouldn’t look like his world was falling apart.
CHAPTER
NINE
HAYDEN
“How did you get started with camming?”
Santino’s question isn’t unusual. I get asked it all the time. It’s the standard icebreaker in the industry and I have a canned response I’ve perfected over the years. It’s short and witty, just enough to satisfy their curiosity without revealing too much.
But there’s something about the way Santino asks that’s different. It doesn’t feel like an icebreaker or him being nosy. It feels like genuine interest and more than a little concern.
It’s because of Sebastian’s suggestion during the meeting today. About me and Santino doing a few videos together while he’s here. I have to admit the idea is genius. But then, Sebastian’s ideas typically are. But Santino’s too observant for his own good and he’s probably noticed I’m being weird.
It’s not that I don’t want to do videos with him. He’s really cute with a strong brow and the tiniest bump on the bridge of his nose. His lips are wide and pouty and his jaw is covered in scruff that looks just this side of unkept. His dark hair is thick and full and I bet it’ll be silky soft when I run my fingers through it.
It’s not Santino. It’s me.
