“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want,” I say, even as a small part of me can’t help but hope. Me and Hayden Summers? That’s too good to be true, right?
“It’s a good idea, though,” Noel chimes in.
I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and hug him at the same time.
“It is,” Bellamy agrees. “But we don’t have to decide on this today, do we? Give the guy a day or two to think about it? We still have time to tweak the script.”
Sebastian’s not listening. He’s lost in his own little world with his head bowed over his phone.
“I’ll do it.” Hayden’s voice is so quiet I’m pretty sure I imagine it. But then he lifts his gaze and it crashes into mine, knocking the breath out of my lungs. The look in his eyes makes my heart skip a beat, like I’m the one he’s been waiting for his whole life, like there’s no one else on the entire planet but me…
“Yes,” Sebastian says in a hushed voice. “See the chemistry? The fans will go batshit over this.”
Hayden breaks eye contact first, dropping his gaze and shifting in his seat.
“So yeah? We’re a go?” Sebastian asks again, just to be sure.
Hayden nods, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Yeah, we’re good.”
“Excellent.” Sebastian flips through his binder, which is about twice as thick as the rest of ours. “I’ll start working on the script changes today and will get you new copies by Monday. Santino, you’ll need to sign another set of contracts and waivers. Oh, and get tested. Are you on PrEP?”
“Uh…”
Sebastian’s moving so fast, I can’t quite keep up with him.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll get it sorted out.”
The rest of the meeting goes by in a whirlwind and if I’m honest, I don’t really catch much of it. My mind is still stuck on the whole, I’m going to have sex with Hayden on camera business.
I can’t decide if I’m ecstatic or terrified. Both. I’m definitely both.
Hayden is a professional porn star who’s done dozens of these videos with other professional porn stars. I’m just some random dude who recorded himself jerking off a couple times. What the fuck do I know about performing? What if I suck at it? What if I’m so bad they want nothing to do with me ever again?
By the time we’re done and ready to head home, I’m seriously debating telling Sebastian I’ve changed my mind. But Sebastian’s already talking to Noel about locations where they can shoot the video and adjusting the documentary schedule to accommodate the new project. I’m the one who said he was open to whatever. Well, this is whatever, I guess.
Hayden and I are mostly silent on the way back to his apartment. When we get off the subway and out of earshot of bystanders, I blurt out the question that’s been nagging at me.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
He shoots me a sideways glance, as if he’s trying to assess what kind of answer I’m looking for. Then he drops his gaze tothe sidewalk, staring at his feet as we walk. “Yeah, totally,” he says. His voice is oddly neutral, like he’s trying to sound upbeat but it fell flat.
“I didn’t know Sebastian was going to drop it on you like that. If you want to back out of it, I’d completely understand.” I mean, I’d be devastated, but I’d understand.
“Sebastian’s really good at this stuff. If he thinks it’ll work, then it’ll work,” Hayden says, which doesn’t answer my question at all.
I’ve heard Bellamy say that Sebastian’s a genius too, which like, great, but Hayden doesn’t say it with nearly as much conviction as Bellamy did.
“Areyouokay with this?” Hayden asks suddenly.
The question catches me off guard. Me? Who the hell cares about me? “Yeah, I am. It was my idea. I mean, not really. I just told Sebastian I was open to, you know, performing, and he came up with the rest.”
Hayden nods like that’s something Sebastian does on the regular. “But you didn’t come to New York expecting to do this.”
What is he trying to say? Does he think this is a bad idea? Like, this isn’t what I was invited to do, so why am I trying to push my luck? “No, I didn’t, but…”
How do I explain this in a way that doesn’t sound pathetic? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m going nowhere fast and if I don’t come up with something soon, I’ll be elbows deep in chlorine for the rest of my life. This trip is my last chance to climb out of the rut and I’m fucking desperate.
“Sebastian can be hard to say no to. He tends to get his way a lot. But that doesn’t mean you always have to do what he says.” Hayden’s hands are stuffed into his pockets. His gaze is locked onto the sidewalk in front of his feet. He sounds tired, like he’s sharing wisdom he’s learned the hard way.
