“But they didn’t make it.”
I shake my head.“She arrived with internal bleeding, and by then her brain had already stopped working.We tried to save the baby, but by the time we delivered it, it was already too late.”
“I’m sorry.”
“They passed away at the same time, as if they knew they had to leave together.I held the baby for a moment before returning them to their mother.”I pause, feeling the familiar sting behind my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of the champion.“I should be used to it by now, shouldn’t I?It’s my job.I know how these things go.I know it will happen, and I know some things can’t be fixed, that some cases are incurable, that people die every day.They should just be patients.”
“But not for you.”
“They never are.”
“I’m so sorry,” he says again.
“Maybe I could have done more.I don’t know.”
“Don’t do this to yourself.”
I nod, resigned.
“Well, here I am,” I say, spreading my arms slightly.“Doctor Loser can’t even face his job properly.I’m a lost cause.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s just that I held them, you know.”I can’t hold back any longer.“I hoped and prayed, but a doctor shouldn’t beg for a miracle; he should believe in science, in what he does.”
A sneaky little tear slips down my cheek before I can stop it.
“Jesus, I’m such a mess.”
I set my hand back on the table, and this time, he sees the tremor.I stare at my fingers as they shake, and another tear falls, unstoppable.Then his strong, reassuring hand finds mine and gives it a gentle squeeze.
I suddenly look up, and his smile catches me off guard.It isn’t cheeky this time.He’s a bit shy and awkward, but it’s so sweet it makes my heart melt and brings more tears to my eyes, because clearly, I haven’t embarrassed myself enough in front of him.
He looks down and gives his head a small shake, but the smile doesn’t fade.I see it, and I want to keep seeing it.He fixes his eyes on our hands, one resting on top of the other.Mine is still under his, frozen by his gesture, because I don’t know what it means.
“You’re not trembling now,” he says.
“But you are,” I reply.
Jamie takes a breath and, without meeting my eyes, asks, “So, you see why we can’t be friends, right?”
Chapter19
Jamie
The Doctor is playing his game without even knowing it, and he doesn’t realise he’s winning.I’m sure of it now.He isn’t someone who plays with strategy or tries to cheat.He doesn’t know what he’s doing or what he’s stirring up in me.Even though he seems vulnerable and defenceless, he makes me feel strong, full of admiration, and a little envious.He doesn’t hold back; he shows exactly what he feels.All I can do is listen, because I don’t know what to say to make him feel better.I just hope that letting it all out helps him.
I can’t stand seeing him like this, feeling his pain, and watching his defeat without being able to help.
I listen as he tells his broken story.His voice is almost a whisper, but I can see the emotion on his face, in his shaking hand, and in his eyes full of pain.He’s suffering for a stranger, just one of the many he meets every day.He feels guilty.He thinks he hasn’t done enough, and I’m sure he blames himself.
I keep telling him I’m sorry because I don’t know what else to say.I usually know how to talk to people, listen, give advice, or cheer them up, but I can’t do that with him.My usual ways of helping don’t work here.This is deeper, and I can’t fix it.
The first tear falls, and even though he tries to hide it, it’s too late.I’ve already seen it.He tries to speak again, and suddenly I want to smash this coffee table just so I can hold him close and show him I have something real to give.
Then I notice his hand shaking on the table.My whole fucking world shakes with it.
I look at his hand for a few moments.
