Riley squeezes me even tighter.“Let it out, Jamie.Whatever’s on your mind, just let it out.”
“The voices, Riley.I can’t stand them anymore.Make them stop, please make them go away!”
“Oh, my sweet Jamie.”
“Just tell them to go away.”
My sister cries, and I feel her tears on my shoulder.She cries again, for me.She suffers because of me — because of who I am, what I’ve done, what I’ve let happen.
I lethimruin her life to save mine.I let my sister carry my guilt and pay the price so I could walk away unharmed.
But I didn’t get out of it.
I carry it all with me.
I carry the screams, the humiliation, the fear.
I carry the darkness, the silence, the anguish.
I carry the guilt of being a weak, useless kid who cried and watched his sister almost beaten to death, as she rolled down the stairs, as neighbours called the ambulance, and saw her lie in a coma for three days.
I carry the abandonment, the loneliness, the hatred.
I carry both my pain and hers.
I carry her life and mine.
I carry who I am, what I have been, what I have done, and what I cannot forgive.
I bear the unbearable burden of still being Jamie Kennedy — and I bear it alone.
And I carry within me my love for the best man I have ever known, a toxic, unhealthy love that can only destroy him.
Chapter72
Martin
Iwalked out halfway through my shift.I haven’t slept, and I can’t think straight.I don’t have the energy to move from one exam room to the next.I can’t focus on anyone else’s problems, and I can’t help anyone right now.It’s hard for me to step away from work.I have responsibilities that go beyond my own issues, but when you might put your patients at risk, you have to step back and let someone else take over.
I gave up twice today, which is something I never do.But I think it’s time to admit I’m not invincible.I make mistakes, not everyone can be cured, and some people just don’t want to be saved.
When I get to their house, it’s past midnight.As the door opens, I brace myself for a punch to the face.Part of me almost wants it — maybe if I felt that pain, I could forget what’s really eating at me.
“I knew it.”Ryan greets me.“Fuck!”He slams his fist against the door, and when I’m sure he’s going to slam it in my face, like I probably deserve, he opens it instead and steps back to let me in.
Chris comes down the stairs slowly and stops on the last step.Normally, I would run to her for comfort, but this isn’t my family — it’s theirs.I shouldn’t have shown up unannounced in the middle of the night, but I had nowhere else to go.I couldn’t go home, where every corner reminds me of him, where his scent still lingers so strongly that I’d rather suffocate than breathe it in.
“Martin…” Chris’ voice is always the same, the voice she uses in moments like this.She’s seen a lot of them; she’s used to it.
But this time, it’s different.
This time, I’m truly in love.Only now do I see how much this changes everything.It changes your whole life.
“Told you I didn’t like this,” Ryan says to Chris.
“Please, this is not the time.”
“Knew he’d screw up, ruin everything, like the arsehole he is,” Ryan snaps.
