I joltawake to find Riley on the sofa beside me.“You had a nightmare,” she says softly.
I’m sweating and shaking.I can’t seem to breathe or think, and I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
“Does this still happen to you?”
“Every fucking night.”
“Oh, Jamie…”
“I miss him,” I tell her, unrestrained.“I miss hearing his voice, talking to him, teasing him.I miss his beautiful, goofy face, his smile, the way he looks at me.I miss his hands, Riley.His hands… They work magic, but they couldn’t fix me, and he tried anyway.I miss them.I miss his breaths, his fucking apologies, his bloody thanks.I miss his laugh, I miss his tears.I miss him reading to me at night.I miss him, Riley, like I miss the whole world.”
“Jamie…”
“It hurts to see him, to be with him.His kindness hurts, and his love hurts too.”
“Why, Jamie?I don’t understand…”
“Because with him, it has to be me; there’s no other way.And I don’t want to go back.I don’t want to be Jamie Kennedy ever again.”
“Jamie Kennedy is fantastic, just like Jamie Murray.”
“Jamie Kennedy is dead.But he wants to bring him back; he wantshim, Riley, and I can’t give him that.”
“He loves Jamie Kennedy.And I love him too.”
“Jamie Kennedy is nothing, a weakling, afraid of his own shadow.Someone to pity.And I don’t want pity.”
“Fear is part of us, Jamie, and he loves you.Knowing who you are won’t change that.”
I shake my head.“Everything hurts, Riley.I can’t take any more.Being with him hurts, but being without him destroys me.I’m losing my mind, Riley.I’m losing my fucking mind…”
She cups my face in her hands.“It’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Stop it, please.Stop worrying.Stop caring.Stop hiding, justifying… Please, just stop.”
“I can’t do that.”
“That hurts me too, your kindness, your forgiveness…”
“What am I supposed to forgive?”
“M-me.”
Riley’s eyes widen.
“It was all my fault — your suffering, your tears, the beatings you took… You almost died because of me.”
“It wasn’t your fault, and you know it.”
“You shouldn’t forgive me; no one should.You should hate me, and Ian should hate me, and he… He can’t love me.He must not.”
Riley holds me tightly, and I collapse against her shoulder.
“I don’t deserve anything I have, Riley.None of it is mine by merit, only yours.”
“That’s not true.You’ve earned it all.”
“You gave me everything.You ripped it out of your own hands.How am I supposed to live with that?How, Riley?How can I take his love?How the fuck am I meant to just accept it?”
