The Doctor leaves, and I let him.I don’t stop him or say how I feel.I don’t tell him he’s killing me, or that I’ll have to bury what’s left of me all over again.
He leaves me alone with my guilt, my mistakes, my choices, and these damned rules.
With my absurd love.
The Doctor leaves believing he’s the one who’s lost something, never realising I’m the one losing everything.
I sitbehind the wheel for what feels like forever before I finally get out of the car.It’s night now.I shouldn’t have driven all this way, searching for somewhere to hide.
There isn’t a safe place left.I ruined it.I broke it apart and made it worthless.
I hurt him, and I knew I would.I did it anyway.I let him get close, and he let me in.I made him believe that one day I would let him see the real me, too.
I loved him.He knows that.
I still love him.He knows that, too.
But he left anyway.Like me, he knows love isn’t enough if you aren’t willing to fight for it.
It ended the way it was always going to.I made it happen.I can’t hide or run.No matter how fast I go, he’ll always be there.He won’t leave me alone or let me breathe.No one will save me, because I don’t want to be saved.I don’t deserve it.
The car door opens and someone slides into the seat beside me.
“Are you staying out here?”
“I don’t know.”
“She knows you’re here.She’s worried.Will you come in?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay, we won’t talk about it.Just come inside anyway, for her.”
Ian convinces me to get out of the car.I follow him inside and find Riley waiting by the door.She immediately pulls me into a hug.
“I’m fine.”
“You were out there for a while.I didn’t know what to do,” Riley says, her voice shaking.
“Sorry.I shouldn’t have come.”
“Don’t start.This is your house,” Ian says.
I’ll pretend to believe it this time, Ian, because I have to.
“What happened?”My sister asks.
“Nothing happened, Riley.”
“Jamie, please.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.I just need to stay here for a while.”
“The sofa is yours,” Ian says.
I sink onto the cushions, exhausted.
All I can do is stay here and hope their presence will ease the pain in my chest, because I’m afraid I won’t make it through this time.
