You can’t face fear if you’re afraid to be yourself.
How can you truly love someone if you don’t first love yourself?
And how can you love at all if you’re unable to forgive?
“I just want to help you.”
Christ, no.Anything but that.
“I’m not one of your fucking patients, Doctor.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Then why would you want to help me?”
“Because I?—”
“Don’t say it!Don’t you fucking dare!”I point my finger at him, but he doesn’t even flinch.
“Because I am in love with you.”
He says it anyway.
I never imagined love could hurt this much.
“Doctor…”
“Martin.My name is Martin.You can’t even say my name?”
I can’t say your name.If I do, you’ll become too fucking real.
“Since when does fucking mean love, Doctor?”
I do everything I can to make him hate me, praying he won’t look back one day and feel like he lost something that mattered.
The Doctor presses his knuckles to his mouth.“So what was, then?”
I stay silent.I have no idea what to say.
“What have I been to you,Jamie?”
For the first time, he says my name.It sounds so good on his lips, I feel like I might break.Here, in my kitchen, I could fall apart and finally end this.But my name is also pain, because the Doctor has just landed his fatal blow.The game is over now, and all that’s left is to lie on the grass and wait for the end.
I take the last breath before I let myself fall apart.
“You know my rules.”
“Your rules.How stupid of me to think that…” He runs a hand through his hair and looks at me.
The Doctor is the kind of man who doesn’t hide, not even when he’s hurting.
You are so painfully authentic, Doctor, that my heart aches with the urge to believe you.
“It has only ever been a game to you.”
I look down.
“Well, it wasn’t for me.Not for a single fucking second.”
