“No… I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Are you back to play the handy answer?”
“It’s my business, okay?I don’t want to shove it in everyone’s face.”
“You’re talking about your sister.Your family.”
You don’t know anything about my family, Doctor, and you shouldn’t even mention it.
“It is not for you to tell me how to deal with it,” I say.
“You’re right, it’s not my place.But you know what?I don’t have to stand here and listen to your reasons, or understand, or justify anything.I’m not obliged to do anything at all, because, as you said, it’s just casual.It’s time for you to move on to the next.”
The Doctor is hurt, but he refuses to show any anger.He isn’t mad at me; he’s disappointed in himself for believing it.I can tell by looking into his eyes.
He’s like a puppy that knows it’s about to be left behind in the countryside, but still won’t bite its owner’s hand.He thinks he did something wrong.He blames himself, as if he deserves it.
And this is all my fault.
Chapter64
Jamie
The chaos in the house can’t drown out the voices in my head.They echo from far away, from a past that refuses to fade, mixing with the present — my voice,his, my sister’s, Ian’s.They overlap, collide, and clamour to be heard.But in all this noise, I can follow only one.It’s the quietest, the most intimate.Maybe it’s just the only one I want to hear.
I watch the O’Connors busy with their own bullshit, and then I watch him.He stands off to the side, even though we’re here for his son.I wonder if it’s because of me, because of what I said.Is he thinking about how to take Ryan down, or how to move on from me?Is he hurting?Will he suffer, or just forget about me in a week or two and go back to his life before I slipped into his world uninvited, with no right and no plan to stay?
I wonder what I’ll do tonight, tomorrow, next month — whose eyes will be on me, whose mouth I’ll dream of, whose body I’ll want beside mine.
“A beer, mate?”Nick asks, offering a freshly opened bottle.
“Something stronger?”
He grins.“You’re in luck.I’m the only one here who knows where Chris keeps the good stuff.”
I stand.“Lead the way.”
Nick digs around in the plant by the entrance until he finally pulls out a key, looking well pleased with himself.We slip past the noise and head for a cabinet at the bottom of the stairs.He unlocks it, grabs a bottle of whiskey, and nods for me to follow him into the kitchen.It’s a brief escape from the crowd now that the room is empty.He takes two glasses from the cupboard and pours a couple of fingers into each.
“Don’t stop,” I tell him with a sigh.
“Uh, shitty day?”
“One of many.”
“Too many people, too much noise?”
“Among other things.”
“Does the presence of someone make you uncomfortable?”
I set the glass down and motion for him to pour more.
“I’d say so,” he mutters, refilling it.“Do you want to talk about it?”
“With you?Not a hope.”
“Yet you weren’t so shy about talking when it was about me.”
