I thought my obsession would vanish just like that.
Obsession.I still call it that, even though I no longer truly believe it’s only an obsession — something in it resists simple naming.
What the fuck are you doing with me, Doctor?You want to keep looking, you want to find me.But your degree, your hands and your good heart can do nothing for me.
I should be angry: he ignored my request and my expectations.He wanted to do his own thing; he wanted to keep me for himself, to have an us.
His movements, his caresses, the deep thrusts, kisses, and the way he held me afterwards.That damn sweetness.All the things I never asked for, but that he gave anyway, now torment and consume me from the inside.
Why, Doctor?Why can’t you be like the others?
“Are you tired?”The Doctor calls me back to reality.
“Nah.”
He takes the plate and heads to the kitchen.“Beer?”he calls.
“No, I’m good.”
He returns and settles beside me on the bed, legs stretched and feet crossed.He’s still wearing his shirt; my skin is bare and raw in the cool air.I want to touch him again, the urge humming beneath my calm, but I force myself to hold back.If I don’t, I’ll lose control, and whatever we have will burst open before I can keep it safe.
“Do you want something else, or do you want to watch TV or…?”
He doesn’t say it; he’s afraid.
“I want to stay.”
Isay it, even though I’m more afraid than he is.
The Doctor breathes again.“Okay.”
“You could read,” I tell him.
He turns towards me.
“We still have that book to finish.”
“Sure, if you want.”
“It helps me sleep.”
“You mean I bore you?”
“Nah,” I smile.“It relaxes me.”
“That’s what books are for — why you read fairy tales to kids.”
I don’t know what fairy tales are like.No one ever read them to me, and Riley was always too busy making up our own story from nothing, as if we could invent the world as we went, one page at a time.
“Didn’t they read any to you?”he asks discreetly.
I draw a breath.“Sometimes.”
“What was your favourite?”
“I never really liked them, actually.”
“Oh… okay.Not all kids like them.Evan loved The Three Little Pigs, but don’t tell him that, or he’ll cancel me from his list of emergency contacts.”
