I look at him — his head resting against my shoulder, his hand splayed unconsciously over my chest.He sleeps the heavy sleep of someone who has finally collapsed, someone so exhausted he’s at last allowed himself to close his eyes, convinced that when he wakes, nothing will have changed.
I can’t, Doctor.
Give you hope, give myself hope.
I can’t give you what you want.
I can’t give you Jamie.
I press a kiss to his forehead and slide off the bed.I don’t look back.If I do, I won’t make it.
I leave the room and head to the bathroom, where my clothes are hanging up to dry.They’re still a bit damp, but I drag them on anyway.At the sink, I stop and look at myself in the mirror.For the first time in many years, I see it again: that terrified little kid with nowhere safe to hide, curling in on himself so he doesn’t set anybody off, choking himself with his own hands before someone else gets the chance.
It’s all the Doctor’s fault.He doesn’t want the bullshit; he doesn’t want the Captain.That’s not enough for him.
He wants more.
He wants everything.
He wants me, the real me.And I know that if I keep letting him look at me, keep letting him dig around, he’ll findthatcorpse as well.And I can’t let him drag it up.
It took me years to turn into who I am now; I’m not throwing that away for anyone, not even him.He wouldn’t be happy with what he finds, and he wouldn’t be able to fix me.His magic hands won’t do a thing for me.
I parkin front of their house and switch off the engine.Climbing out of the car, I walk up and knock on the door, then wait.A light flicks on in the stairwell, glowing through the glass, followed by quick, heavy footsteps.
“Jesus, Jamie.What the heck…?”
I don’t speak.I don’t move.I don’t know what to say.I don’t know what to do.
I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore.
“Riley!”Ian calls.“Riley!”
My sister appears at the top of the stairs, then hurries down to us.
“What happened?”she says.
“Will you hide me, please?”I beg her, on the edge of breaking.“Just for a little while.Can you keep me hidden?”
Her eyes fill with tears.I’ve seen her cry so many times — always because of me — that mine can’t help but spill over too.
She opens her arms, and I throw myself into them.We sink down onto the floor, me pressed tight against her while she strokes my hair.
“Shh… It’s okay, love.It’ll be all right.”
I shake my head.
“You’ll have it all, Jamie.One day you’ll have everything you ever dreamed of — and everything you deserve.I promise.”
“You can’t do anything more for me,” I whisper.
By now I’m sobbing.
Jamie Kennedy’s come back from the grave, and I don’t know if I can kill him again.
We sit on the floor in the entryway of their house.Riley rocks gently, cradling me in her arms.She says something, but I barely listen; I already know the drill.It’s the same words I used to believe in, but they don’t land the same way anymore.
Then another pair of arms — stronger, steadier— wraps around us both.
