Things that Steven took from me when he left.
“And you don’t want them anymore?”
“Everything’s more complicated, now. I don’t believe in them anymore.”
“That’s normal, Jordan. But, listen: not all men are like Steven. I know that there’s a wonderful man out there just waiting for you.”
I smile gratefully at her, and go back to picking at my chicken. This conversation has saddened me even more; I’m still thinking about him, standing at my door, in my kitchen. Leaving me there, alone.
“Have you seen Niall Kerry recently?” Iris asks out of the blue.
“This isn’t about him,” I blurt.
“Of course not.”
“It’s just that…” I sigh, dropping my shoulders and leaning back against my seat. “I don’t want to fall for it again.”
“That’s understandable.”
“I’m scared that I alreadyamfalling.”
“If you don’t take any risks, honey, you’ll never know what’s waiting for you on the other side.”
“I’ve already taken enough risks, Iris – and I lost everything. I don’t want to do it again.”
Because I believed: in him, in us. I believed in marriage, in everything we had and everything we would always be.
I met Steven at school. We went to the prom together, and we kissed. We were together for the whole of our final year. Then he left, and I stayed here, alone. I kept studying, experienced life – nothing ground-breaking, but experiences nonetheless. I went out with other guys: but not many, and no one memorable. When I was given the opportunity to leave, I didn’t. I chose to stay. I chose Iris, this town, and my roots. I chose to keep doing what I’d always done. I became the head teacher of the Abbey when I was quite young – I actually wanted to teach, but life chose a different path for me, and I’m happy that it did. Then Steven came back when his father fell ill. We saw each other again, and started to date. When his father died, I was there for him, and we fell back into love. We got married, bought a house. I wanted to start a family with him: the family I’d always dreamed of. But he had other plans. Slowly, I faded away, became this version of myself. I believed that I’d be safe from disappointment, suffering, heartbreak. I believed that until Niall Kerry came along. I shouldn’t let him hope for something that left a long time ago. I’m not ready to risk myself again: especially not for a man like him.
Niall
Igot home before my daughter woke up. My parents were already downstairs, of course, but managed to limit themselves to a judgmental glance thrown in my direction. I chose to ignore it. I had a shower and stepped outside to see if my dad needed any help in the fields.
My parents run a farm; potatoes, cabbages, carrots, the works. They even have a few sheep. They used to take care of everything themselves, but as the business grew, my father decided to hire some full-time workers, leaving him with less hard labour and more time for some well-deserved rest.
I never even considered stepping into my father’s shoes. Everyone around here goes into farming, or rears livestock, but it never interested me. I wanted to leave, to follow my sporting dream. I wanted to be someone.
“Need a hand?” I ask as I approach him.
This morning he’s decided to repaint the fence that separates our garden from the fields. He can never just relax, and enjoy his Sunday; he always has to be busy with something.
“There should be another paintbrush around here, somewhere.”
I look around, and find it lying in an empty paint bucket. I grab it and dip it into the coloured liquid, before moving around to the other side of the fence and getting to work.
“How was last night?”
He and Mum went dancing last night in a nearby town. There’s a bar there with live music – it’s a popular place for people of acertain ageto go and have fun.
“I drank too much, your mother got angry, and I almost had to sleep on the sofa. At my age, too.”
I try to stifle a laugh.
“I’m not as fit as I used to be. Sleeping on that sofa nearly kills me.”
“Maybe you should try drinking less?”
He glares at me. “How wasyourevening?”
