Chris squeezes my arm affectionately. “Don’t be annoyed at him. He only told me because he was worried about you.”
“Sure.”
“He’s always worried about you.”
I scoff nervously. I hate talking about this. Ryan should never worry about me: I’m the big brother, I should be the one standing behind him, making sure nothing happens to him and he doesn’t get into trouble. Besides, after what I did, I don’t deserve his affection.
I don’t deserve it. Just like I don’t deserve a fucking fraction of what I have. Just like I didn’t deserve her and never will, not with all the determination in the world.
“You know that you’re his hero, right?”
“Me? Maybe Ian, okay, but definitely not me.”
“Oh, Nick. Why don’t you just let people see you for who you are?”
“I do. I’m always myself.”
“Mmm… And doesshesee you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve seen the way you look at her, the way you reacted when you saw her here, in your parents’ house.”
“I was just surprised.”
“Have you never spoken to her about it?”
I shrug.
“Was it serious between you two?”
“It was nothing.”
“Okay. So why are you so shocked?”
“I’m not. It’s just that…”
“That she’s yourher.”
I shake my head, and she leans closer to me.
“Ryan couldn’t ever move past it. He didn’t want to accept it, and tried everything to forget it. He tried to destroy everything with his bare hands.”
“Ryan only reasons with his muscles. He takes everything so personally. He’s…pathetic.”
“No. He’s human.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. He’s come straight from hell – you shouldn’t be with him, and you shouldn’t let your son near him, and you shouldn’t—”
Chris puts her hand on my arm, stopping my monologue, and I instinctively check whether or not Ryan is watching us – I’ll be buried right there in my parents’ garden if he is.
“It isn’t easy to accept when someone means so much to you that it makes you forget who you are, what you want. It makes you hold back what you think because you believe it’s best for them.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jesus Christ, Ryan. Can’t you mind your own business? Do I have to explain to you that being with someone doesn’t mean you have to tell them all your dirty family secrets?
“Is that what happened?” Chris asks, kindly.
