“Did you ask her to go with you?”
“She was nineteen, Jamie. She was studying medicine. She wanted to become a doctor, to save lives. I didn’t even know where I was going to be for the next season.”
“And you made her believe that you went away for yourself.”
“I did go for myself.”
Jamie looks at me seriously. He studies my expression, my eyes. He’s probably counting the droplets of sweat beading down my forehead.
“You did it for her.”
“Don’t bullshit.”
“Don’t give me that, O’Connor. I’m too smart for you.”
“Fuck off Jamie. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you about this.”
“What was it? Did you not think you’d be enough for her? Were you the bad boy that would’ve changed her? Are you hiding some sort of terrible secret that could’ve torn you two apart forever?”
I close my eyes and Jamie stops in his tracks.
“Nick…”
“You know what I’m like. I’m a nomad. I never stay in the same place for more than a few months. I don’t even know what I’m going to do next week after this summer camp is over.”
“But you’re here now. You’re back.”
I shake my head.
“Does that mean you’re not going to stick around this time, either?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet – that’s the point. I don’t know what to do. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m not…I’m not a future.”
“Does it scare you?”
“Mmm?”
“Trying. Risking everything.”
“Scared? Me? Don’t be stupid. It’s just too complicated.”
“It’s never a walk in the park, Nick. But look at Ryan.”
“Ryan got really lucky.”
“Maybe, but it definitely wasn’t easy for him to open up to Chris, to Evan…”
“I’m not Ryan.”
“No, you’re not.”
“And I’m not you, either. You always know what to say, what to do.”
“That’s not entirely true, but you’ve made your point.”
“I’m not—”
“Instead of thinking about what you’renot, why don’t you concentrate on what youare?”
