“Leukaemia.” He closes his eyes. “I was sick for so long. I left school to have treatment, to be with my family…” he takes a second to catch his breath. “My family was… Well, you know them. They never give in. Mum was like my shadow, and Dad didn’t sleep, just so that he could watch over me. He was scared that I…” his voice starts to tremble, “…that I wouldn’t wake up. And Ryan,” he shakes his head. “Sweet, little Ryan… He couldn’t do it. He was my little brother and he was so scared for me. Everyone was scared for me. It was like living in a bubble. I was scared for myself – but I was more scared for them. They could never have accepted if… They just couldn’t accept it. I heard Ryan praying every night. I heard Mum crying in the kitchen, heard Dad crying in the living room… I head everyone crying. All the time. And I didn’t want them to cry. I didn’t want them to worry about me, to spend their lives worrying that I wouldn’t be around for much longer. It was so hard, Casey, seeing them like that…”
I get up and kneel down next to him.
“They wanted me to have a transplant. They said that was the only solution…and you know even better than me how these things work. But Ryan,myRyan…he wasn’t a match. Jesus, Casey; he was only twelve years old, and he was crying because…” He stops again. “Because he couldn’t save my life.”
I bring my hands up to my mouth, trying to stifle a sob.
“There wasn’t much hope… I was living in bed by then, just waiting to…” The first tear starts to slide down his face. “Then there was a miracle, Casey. A donor. They’d told us it would be almost impossible, but then there was hope.”
He stands up, leaving me on the floor, and starts to pace around the living room.
“But nothing was the same again. I lost years of my life, and I’d taken my family’s lives away from them. I was almost eighteen years old, and I’d just started to live again, to go to school, to train… But it was too late. I wasn’t the same person anymore. Physically and… I just wasn’t me. I didn’t know who I was. And I couldn’t decide who to be.”
He turns towards me. “That’s how this version of Nick O’Connor was born. The dickhead that you met, the one that I still am. I didn’t know who else to be: I was failing at school, and at rugby…I was never the best. I was just…nothing. So I became this. I built myself up on lies…”
I get to my feet, too. “Nick, you don’t have to—”
“I decided to be this. Nick, with all his bullshit. Nick, who’s always cheerful. Nick, who never has any problems. Nick, who always makes everyone laugh – because I couldn’t stand the sight of another tear. I never wanted any more sadness, any more suffering. I wanted my life to be light-hearted, with no problems or thoughts or pain. I never wanted anyone to see even a trace of that boy, so scared, so weak. I had to be strong. But the truth is, Casey, that’s not who I am. Not for a second.”
He steps towards me and stops in front of me.
“I’m not strong. I’m not cheerful. I’m not happy. I never have been; not until you…” He takes my hand in his and brings it up to his lips. “You’re the only person who’s ever made me happy, who ever gave my life any meaning. The only one who’s ever made me realise that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I barely existed without you.”
70
Nick
Iclutch at her hands as she looks at me with her huge, gentle eyes.
“I tried not to hurt anyone for so long…but I ended up hurting you. And I can never forgive myself.”
“You should’ve told me, I’d have understood…”
“Then what? You’d have felt sorry for me? I didn’t want your pity. I saw it in everyone else’s eyes for so long… I wanted them to believe what they were seeing, what I was seeing. I didn’t want anyone to worry for me, because I couldn’t stand it.”
“If you’re talking about your family…”
“I’m talking about everyone, Casey. Even you.”
She shakes her head, confused.
“Jesus, Casey. I’ve done nothing with my life. I wasn’t good in school, I never got into university, I wasn’t on the team like my brothers… Life gave me a second chance and I haven’t done a fucking thing with it. I played in smaller teams, but I was never any good. I wasn’t in shape, my mind wasn’t in it… They were just about to kick me out when I accepted my first photo shoot. Sportswear. So I did what I knew how to do: I was a dick. But they liked it. They called me out for another one, then another, and then I was Nick: the model. The one who poses naked, makes everyone laugh. The one that women dream about. But also the one who had a huge hole where his heart should’ve been.”
“But you’re not like that. You have so much going for you…”
I laugh bitterly. “I’m a fucking failure. But I pretended not to be. Do you really think I like modelling? Do you really think that was what I wanted?”
“I don’t know, Nick. You never told me.”
“I’m telling you now. I’m telling you that I’m not who you think I am, that the person who hides behind all those jokes, who makes you laugh, doesn’t exist. I’m not strong, I’m not confident, I’m not a devoted son or a brother you can count on. I’m not a man you can love.”
“You just made a few bad decisions, that’s all…”
“No, Casey. I decided to lie.”
“Your family knows who you are, Nick.”
“My family?” I shake my head. “Do you know what I did to my brother? The one who cried every night because he couldn’t save me? I betrayed him.”
