“Show her who you are, Nick. She won’t be able to resist loving you. Just like we do.”
69
Casey
Iput my mug in the sink and go back to the sofa. Tonight, I’ve decided to stay in. I couldn’t even drag myself downstairs to have dinner with Dad and Catherine. I just want to be on my own, trying not to think about my disappointment. I want to spend some time working out what to do with my life now, after I thought I could share it with him.
Instead, I’m alone again, comforted by a dinner of tea and chocolate biscuits; I only have silence, sadness and my memories for company. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. I try to remember what life was like before, when he wasn’t here, when I thought he’d never come back – but I can’t.
The truth is that there’s no before or after with Nick O’Connor. There’s just him. It’s as if nothing else ever existed.
I grab the remote, settling myself in for a night in front of the TV, trying not to break down after another pointless day without him. I curl myself up into the corner of the sofa, sitting on my legs, and clutching a cushion, when I hear a knock at the door. I wait a few seconds for the sound of my dad’s key in the lock, but the knocking continues. I get to my feet, heading downstairs to go and see who’s there. I hope it’s not Martin – I really can’t be bothered to see him tonight – but when I open the door, my world comes crashing down around me.
I stand there, frozen, my hand still clutching the door handle, overwhelmed all at once by a thousand different emotions. Nick is here. After everything I said to him, he’s standing at my front door, wordlessly. Breathlessly. He’s staring at me, his eyes tired from an endless battle against the inferno he’s trapped in.
“Please, let me in.”
I shake my head, but I don’t have the courage to slam the door shut in his face.
“I need to talk to you.”
“We already said everything we needed to say two days ago.”
“You said everything you needed to say. I never even started.”
“Nick…”
“I listened to your lies, in silence. Please. Let me tell you the truth.”
“Why now?”
“Because I have to. Even if you don’t want me, even if you never understand. Even if you stop loving me. I want to do it anyway. You’re the only person I want to tell the truth to, Casey. Please. Listen.”
I’d never slam the door in anyone’s face, especially not his. So I let him come in and close the door behind him, as he climbs the stairs to my apartment. Once we’re both in the living room, I sit on the sofa, while he stays standing.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
He sighs. “You’re right. So let me tell you something that you’ve never heard.”
He sits on the coffee table opposite me, running his hands nervously through his hair.
“Let me tell you a story about a boy who lost his way, and didn’t know how to come home.”
I bite my lip anxiously.
“It’s a story about a boy who did the only thing he knew how to do: he lied. Because it was easy. It was the only way not to hurt himself – not to hurt others.”
“Nick, I know what you’re trying to do, but I don’t get…”
“Every decision I’ve made has been the wrong one. Including my decision to leave you there that night.”
“We’ve already spoken about that,” she says, shaking her head. “It makes no sense now, to…”
“When I was fifteen, I got ill.”
My gaze snaps up to meet his.
