“I’m not alone. I have you guys…”
Ian rests his hand on mine.
For fuck’s sake. Now they’re trying to make me cry, too?
“You couldn’t stand the idea of someone suffering, because you’d seen suffering first-hand, Nick.”
I shake my head, trying to shrug his hand away; but Ryan’s suddenly appears on top of ours.
Fuck, no!
“You understood who I was, and what I was going through,” Ian says. “Even though you’ve never admitted it.”
“Bullshit.”
“And that day, you didn’t forget the rugby kit,” Ryan adds.
“Do you ever mind your own fucking business?”
“You came back for me, Nick.”
“So what?!” I say, almost furious now. “I don’t owe you an explanation!”
“We don’t need one,” Dad adds. “We know who you are, even though you try to hide it. We’re your family. We always will be. But Nick, it’s time to think about whatyouwant.”
“I already have everything I want.”
“For fuck’s sake, Nick!” Ryan says, losing his patience. “You don’t have a fucking thing apart from us – and that’s not good. We’ve watched you, let you do your own thing, and maybe we were wrong not to get involved. We should’ve said something sooner; but we guessed that, at some point, you’d work it out on your own. But you’re such an idiot, and…fuck, I want to put my fist through your face!”
My dad smiles, amused by Ryan’s ranting.
“Do something for yourself, Nick,” Ryan says, trying to calm himself down. “Just live your life the wayyouwant to!”
Dad’s hand joins ours. “We’ll always be with you. Even me,” he says, smiling sadly. “And so will your mother, Riley, Chris, Evan, little Jamie – but I know that you need someone who will be there just for you.”
I lower my head, trying to hold back the tears. I don’t want to cry in front of my family.
“I’ve said some stuff. I’ve made a lot of mistakes…”
“You can always make up for it, Nick. Go and find her, and do something that you’ve never done in your life.”
I look at him.
“Tell her the truth.”
“Jesus, were you all planning this?”
“Everyone deserves a family, Nick. And we’re so happy to have you in ours. You’ve…you’ve always given us so much joy. Now it’s time for you to give someone else that joy. Because that’s what you do.”
It sure doesn’t sound like it, from the heaving sobs Ryan’s trying to hold back.
“You’re the joy of this family, Nick O’Connor. That’s what you are. But now it’s time for you to discover that for yourself – and time to prove it to her, too. Find the way home. Find the way toyourhome: find the place you feel safe, somewhere you always want to go back to.”
“Fuck, Dad!” I complain, drying my eyes on my arm.
Dad smiles. “You’re an O’Connor, and the O’Connors always know when it’s time to face the storm. When it’s time to find somewhere safe to ride it out. And you, Nick, already know where that place is for you. Now you just have to tell her; because she’s not going to wait around to show you the way. And I’m scared that you won’t be able to find it on your own.”
Oh, Dad. I can’t do a fucking thing when I’m not with her. I can’t even breathe.
