“You okay, Nick?” Ian asks me.
“I want to go and see Dad,” I say.
“Sure.”
I turn and start to head up the stairs, but Ryan follows me.
“Nick? Don’t be upset if he doesn’t want to talk to you, or…”
“Or if he doesn’t remember me?”
Ryan smiles sadly. I nod and head upstairs, towards my parents’ room. I slowly open the door and stick my head inside.
The room is blanketed in darkness, but I can just about make out my dad sitting in the armchair next to the bed. I step inside, closing the door behind me, and approach him, sitting down on the mattress. Dad doesn’t turn to look at me; I don’t even know if he’s noticed that I’m there. He just keeps his gaze fixed out of the window to his right.
“I don’t know where to start,” I say quietly. “I’ve made so many mistakes, Dad, one after the other. It only took the first one, then it was impossible to stop. The more I fucked everything up, the more I wanted to keep doing it. I became the master of fuck-ups, and you know why? Because it was the only thing I knew how to do.”
I take a few moments to get my breathing in check, and to see if there’s any reaction from him; but I can’t pull any air into my lungs, and he doesn’t turn to me or make any movement at all.
“I lied. To you, to Mum, to my brothers. To friends, acquaintances, even strangers. I lied to everyone. And I lied to myself. And now I can’t stop lying – I don’t know anything else, you know?” I get to my feet and start to pace around the room. “It was the only way to survive – or, at least, that’s what I’d convinced myself. I was fine like that. I thought I was okay, that no one was getting hurt. But then I had to lie toher. And, Dad,” I turn to face him, “I never realised what I was doing until I saw the disappointment in her eyes. And I can’t bear it. She believed me, I let her hope… How could I do that? How can I ever go back now and make it up to her, to…?” I scoff, frustrated, and sit down again, letting my head fall into my hands.
“I’m sorry I was away for so long. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you all needed me. I’m sorry I betrayed Ryan… I’m sorry I only made you worry, that I was never the son you’d hoped for…” The first tear rolls down my face. “I’m sorry I got left behind, that I couldn’t turn back, that I’m… That I’m Nick. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
Sobs burst through my voice, and the tears I’ve been trying to hold back start to work their way up my throat, choking me.
“I’m sorry…” I say again.
Only my sobbing breaks the silence. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that – or maybe I just don’t remember. But I do know that I’ve never felt so desperate.
A hand grabs suddenly onto my leg. I whip my head up and see my father’s eyes, so alert, so thoughtful, smiling at me warmly.
“Dad…?”
“Nick.”
I nod, as another sob climbs up my windpipe. “I’m home, Dad.”
His smile opens up. I take his hand in mine and he wipes away my tears.
“You’re back.”
“I’m here, Dad. And I’m not going anywhere.”
66
Casey
The first thing I see when he opens the front door and his eyes capturing mine, is fear. It’s something that I’ve never seen in him before, but it sets a storm raging inside me. A few seconds later, the fear morphs into shock; he didn’t expect to see me, and I didn’t expect to see him, either. But this is him, it’s his family: I couldn’t just sit at home, thinking about how much he needed me. Even though he said all those things to me, got on that plane; even though he tried to leave me behind again, I can’t do it.
I can’t leave him.
Suddenly another emotion, even stronger this time, more dangerous, takes hold of my world and erases it, as if I’d never existed before this moment.
Hope.
Nick was hoping to see me, hoping I’d come over.
He’d been hoping I’d sit here, waiting for him.
